Friday, December 5, 2008

The evil in my mouth!

"In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:5-8 NLT

Ok, the first thing I must do here is tell you that I am bringing to light an issue so that the evil one can not keep it over me! I have already knelt before my Father, and I have asked forgiveness and said I am sorry to those that were involved. But I feel that I need to also let all of you that read what I have to say know that I, too, fall and fall hard when I do. I am far, far from perfect and far, far from the person I want to be.
Last night, something happened that scared me badly. My immediate reaction was praying within my head while I was going through the outward motions/questions/etc. What quickly came was panic....what followed right on panics heels was the poison that flew from my mouth!! I haven't errupted like that...and I say errupted because there was an unstoppable force spewing from a very long time. Not even the blog a few months back where I slipped into old behaviors could touch this scene. The scariest part was that no matter how hard I tried to stop the words, no matter how horrid they were as they were flying...I could not shut my mouth. It was literally as though I was a insides were screaming one thing and something all together different was flying from my lips. I do believe that it scared me more than the situation that started the whole ordeal.
It came to me in the moments after, when I was sobbing before my Father, that I am for the first time excited for Christmas! I knew this...I have blogged this...I tell everyone that I am ecstatic that I am going to celebrate Jesus' birthday! I can't wait! But .... the devil doesn't want that of me....he wants to hold me where he has always had me so that God cannot have the glory! this I say "I BELONG TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND NOTHING AND NOBODY WILL SEVER ME FROM HIM!!" Bring it on.....I may crack, I may crumble....I may even have a war inside of myself, but HE will keep me His and I will forever strive to be better for Him...I will forever shout His message.....I will forever spread His cheer....I will forever love Him and praise Him and honor Him......and I will forever fall on the floor before Him in awe and respect!!!
I may not pass every test of faith handed me when it is handed to me....but I do try....and I will make corrections and keep on! My Lord knows my heart....My Lord knows who I really am and from where I came and He will never, never let go!!!
And, in reflection, the thing that bothered me most was that when people look at me I want them to see my Father....I want to live a life for Him, to make Him proud, to show His love for His people.....and in just a second like that one, I alone could turn people away from Him.....and that would be heartbreaking to me.

"You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all it's wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him." Colossians 3:7-10 NLT

Lord, forgive me and help me to be the person You need me to be for You. Please place a shield of love and protection around me, not only from my old self and desires, but also from the world that wants to hold me back. Use me as Your vessel and let my light shine only for You! I only want You!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I need You... to sleep in this morning!! I didn't crawl out til close to 7! How wonderful it feels....and the boys are still sleeping.....and the house is quiet.....and I can not only smell the coffee brewing, I can hear it, too......I love these kind of days!
So, as I got up and began my normal routine, I was struck. You see, my mornings are usually very are most of yours. I start praying, usually before my feet hit the floor, and as I am getting everything done that needs done I continue on praying. I pray all over the place all day long....I just do. I love to talk to the Lord. BUT....
I also love other time stealers. I love this computer. And this morning as I was sitting down to log in and check my 5 different sites it occured to me that Jesus would love some of this excitement....He would love it if I was as attentive to Him as I am to this box....He would love it if I gave to Him the time I give to this. It was just impressed upon me so strongly that my God feels, too. He wants my love and my time...He doesn't want to be set aside for moments that I have time to give Him....He doesn't want to be the background to what I am doing, He wants my attention! You see, my God is beautiful...powerful...amazing...loving....devoted....always there....always attentive.......I could go on for days and days and fill pages with the awe I feel in His presence!! And never, not once, has He held up a finger and said "just a minute,Kim, I have to finish this first"...or..."that is great, Kim---sure Sally, I have Kim on the other line so give me just a sec" is always, always "my precious child I love you and I am here!"....
So, He is getting more of my time. I believe that not only do I need Him, He also needs me...and you...and all of us! I believe that He treasures the time we spend with Him, as much as I treasure the time with Him. I am going to begin to limit my time spent on the computer. I will make Him my priority and will make sure that I get uninterrupted time with Him! Instead of worrying about the latest updates, when the kids take their naps I will meet with Him. Instead of having my morning coffee reading email, I will spend that time with Him. I love Him....I treasure Him....I adore Him, and I need to make more time with Him!! I need Him to know the depth of my love and worship...I need Him in every breath....I need Him in every step....I need Him...I need Him....I need Him!!!!!! Lord, I need You and I love You and You are my everything and I bow down before You knowing that I don't deserve You....o but I love You!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

the challenge.....ooooo....come on.....

So today I have a challenge for all of you! As you may or may not know, I made a decision to live more intentionally......well, part of that, I think, is gracing others. By this I mean just doing random acts of thanks expected, no recognition of any kind expected, nothing in return, no props....just do something intentional. I will give you an example of what I am talking about, not for admiration or approval or anything for me....but just so you know what I mean.
Yesterday, my daughter and I went to Starbucks for Red Day. The lady in the truck in front of us handed her drink back in twice. The kid at the counter was becoming quite frustrated, the guy in the truck behind me went from looking way stressed to something not at all pleasant, and my grandson decided that moment was his time to scream loudly for his bottle(which I couldn't get to), my daughter began to fidget and I noticed that I was even becoming impatient. So, I asked the Lord for help to calm those in my van. I wasn't given that, but I was given patience and a prompting. Why not pay for the guy in the truck?! He looks oober irritated, so the poor counter guy is not even gonna get a smile.....and hopefully that would be the worst of it, but who knows. So, that decided, when I got to the window I smiled and paid for my order. When he handed me my change, I asked if I could pay for the truck behind me. He said sure, in an uncertain tone. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to do I told him that yes, I did want to do that, that maybe it would help him become a little less frustrated and know that there is love and kindness around him. The kid smiled at me, the first one I had seen in the 10 minutes I sat one car away from the window, and took my money. I pulled away without seeing the guy in the truck get to the window, but I know that I made at least one person smile. My only regret was that I didn't ask the kid to tell the man that Jesus loved him....., I will do another random act....BUT this time I will make sure to include my Lord because it is because of Him that I am doing this. I don't want the praise! I don't want the thank you! I want the glory for everything I do in this life to go where it Jesus Christ my savior and king!!!
So.....for His birthday season, I will gift others in honor of Him so that He gets the glory............and if all of you join me, can you just imagine how many people will be hearing His name and feeling His love........reach further than that and challenge your children, your family.......let's bring Christmas back to what Christmas is, the celebration of Jesus Christ who was born and died for us!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

I am sitting here...

I am sitting here at 5 am. The house is finally quiet...not something that happens often. It is the slow down. All the family that was here for Thanksgiving has left for home. My house is somewhat picked up and I had a few hours of sleep last night....good start!
I have done a lot of thinking this week. There has been a lot of pain for me between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day for many years. For many years this has been a hard time...a time that I just couldn't get excited about, truly, I dreaded it. In fact, until a few years ago, I didn't even see the pattern.
Last year, just before Thanksgiving, I was baptized!! You know, for the first time in as many years as I could remember, I was excited! I couldn't wait for the holidays to come...I couldn't wait to make new memories, good memories....I couldn't wait to start new traditions with my own family. Not all of that enthusiasm was met there I forgot that others had issues, too. And so the enthusiam I started off with didn't stay as strong....but I made it through by the grace of God!! I didn't break down!! I didn't have to be medicated!! I can't look back and say at any one moment I thought I was going to fall apart!!
Jump to this year.......
Thanksgiving was beautiful! The old Kim would have snapped within hours. The old Kim wouldn't have handled the chaos around her, the changes of plans at the last moment, the life happenings that weren't planned out. I actually enjoyed myself and didn't start feeling overloaded just yesterday when it hit me how tired I really was....but even that wasn't near the issue it would have been in the past. I knew I was tired...didn't hide it from the world, in fact I gave them all the heads
I haven't been this excited for Christmas since I was a little girl! I haven't been able to jump from Thanksgiving into Christmas without worry, dread, the what-ifs since I can even imagine. Last year was better than it had been, but I still wasn't excited......I was happy that I was happy...I decorated...but I still hadn't caught the "wow" of it all. I have caught the "WOW"! I am so excited that my Savior's birthday is now only 24 days away!! You see, it had always been about the gifting to me. I didn't know all this other "stuff"......I didn't know the story of Jesus' birth. Sure, I had heard the songs...sure, I had read the kids stories......but I had never looked at it and accepted the gift that I was handed! I had never looked at it as this is His birthday and I should celebrate Him! I had never realized that on this day He was born so that He could later assume all my sin, heartbreak and pain by being crucified for me!
And so....this Christmas I am revamping my season!! I didn't put up a bunch of santa claus, he is a character. I am putting up Jesus Christ, my savior and king!!! I am not counting down til Christmas, I am counting down the birthday of my Lord! So, this calls for celebration! I am going to celebrate this year. I am not gifting in the normal sense because I cannot afford it, and this is finally ok with me. Instead, I am making a conscious effort to do Christlike things in my daily living....yes, I do this everyday, but I am being more intentional for this season. I am going to speak of Him boldly and proudly like never before....I am going to really watch for little things that I can do for others that wouldn't seem to make a difference (cleaning up someone else's gathering so the host doesn't have to, unloading shopping carts for people as I am coming into or out of a store, smiling at everyone and yes that includes those who seem scary, etc). I have just enough time left before Christmas is here to make this a habit.........
I know that some of you may not understand the joy I am filled with right now....I have a lot to be stressed about --- my son is in prison, I have little money...... --- but please understand that with Jesus Christ at the center of all I do, He will provide what I need and so I need to provide what He needs.......I will honor Him, I will love Him, I will cherish Him, I will praise Him and I will worship Him!!!
Merry Christmas to you all....I hope you can find the peace and happiness I have found!

Friday, November 28, 2008

The slow down...

Ah...the day after Thanksgiving....the slow down. I don't know about the rest of you, but all the preparation and then the day of, is all a bit overwhelming for me. Not saying I don't love it....because I do....but usually I get so many things going on at once that I just know I am gonna forget something. Well.......this year I adjusted my attitude for the day a bit and it was much nicer. See, usually I am making sure this is perfect and that is presentable....and did I make sure to get the one thing........not this year. This year, I stepped back. Don't get me wrong, I was part of the preparation but I didn't let all the twists and turns of the unexpected catch me in the net.
Thanksgiving was at our house this year. I began making my list.....the shopping list, clean this, deep clean that, this one likes this, this one likes that. It began to get away from me. I realized that I didn't have to have a dust free environment....floors we could sit and eat on....the perfectly glazed ham....the pie to die just wasn't necessary. In fact, at some point I lost total control of my, if you know me you also know the stressed out frenzy ball I would normally be....but it was ok. I stepped back and let those that wanted that part of the day have it. Instead, I cleaned up after people....I talked to people....I listened to people....I prayed for people....I was able here and there to just slip away unnoticed and go thank God that my house was full of family and love and we were together.
There were people that weren't able to attend....and I missed them. I had time to stop and ask God to be with them where they were and wish them love and peace on this crazy day...and to let them know the real joys of Thanksgiving.
I was able to just smile and know that even though nothing was in my control....I was you know how huge a blessing that was?! Do you know that I was so full of love that I didn't hardly! I smelled the goodness....I tasted the love....I valued every moment I was given. For the first time in a long time, I stepped back and let others take over and I was felt so wonderful! I was able to really enjoy conversation....I learned so much about those I loved by just "being" there. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me yet another lesson in love and relationships! So much of what took place yesterday became a life lesson for me.....God is good! He uses each moment of our day to teach us if we only stay still enough to listen and learn! His goodness is unmatchable, but I can try to imitate Him as much as my human form will allow.......Thank you, Lord, for all the lessons and love that you have brought to me. Thank you for not only filling the table, but filling my heart. I pray I am able to carry this new "attitude" into the Christmas season and keep You as the center of all the celebration around me. It is You, Jesus, that I am is You that gives me all I need!

Monday, November 24, 2008

He always knows...

So, last night I was handed a situation that not only made me question my also hurt so deeply that I was really physically struggling to breathe. This isn't anything that I can do anything about now...this isn't anything that I can share...this isn't anything that I can make sense of in any fashion. I felt overwhelmed, overloaded and quite frankly for the first time in a long time I felt beaten. My first reaction was to cry out to God....the whole time I was being fed the information I was on my knees before the Lord; it was as though I was watching a horror movie and there were the horrible scenes of what I was hearing flashing before me, there was me standing there listening and taking it in, and then there was me on my knees with my head in my hands at my Father's feet. I didn't sleep a wink...I couldn't. I prayed all night long. Evidently I would doze here and there because all of a sudden I would open my eyes and pick up my prayer right where I assume to have left off....but actual sleep never came.
I arose this morning feeling as though I were an aged woman who needed a cane and/or assistance to function. I made myself go through the motions of my morning routine. I kept having flashes of this and flashes of wouldn't stop. I cried out again, "How am I to deal with can I possibly do anything now....why so late...why now?" The only answer I could hear was to find the truth. I wasn't able to pick up the book and focus, but I knew that I needed God's word....I knew there was something there that would help me. So, I sat at my computer and went to my church's website. I listen to sermon while I work, but I needed to sit. The weekend sermon was not yet available, so I looked at Wednesday night. The sermon was "big problems, bigger God"....ok, I believe that my God is big. But I also believed that this new information was crippling. I turned it on....not the lead pastor, not the "normal" sermon that I would choose.....I began to listen. I heard that God is so much bigger than every problem I am going to face. But the closing remark felt directed specifically to me....ok, I always get something very personal in each sermon I hear, I am sure that we all do. But this......this was straight from God's mouth to my heart. I heard that God sometimes allows these problems so that we can be strengthened as Christians.....and when I look back on the big problems, they have all changed me and given me a way to relate to/help another person going through what I have already come through, and this was stated. I also know that in the grip of these other situations I didn't believe that I was going to be ok. Also stated was that God does not always remove the problem, but if allowed He will change our perspective. I so needed to hear that .... I cannot remove this problem, it is long gone and done, it can't be undone. My guilty feelings, my pain, my what-if's cannot change anything that was done...won't at all take any of it away. No amount of pain or remorse on my part can fix any part of what was taken. But...if I keep my eyes on Him, He will not let me fall. If I keep my eyes on Him, He will change the ending of the nightmare. If I keep my eyes on Him, He will keep my hands/mouth out of this so that no more damage gets done. I have to trust Him...thank Him...Praise Him......and I have to know that He wouldn't let something like this happen and not let it bring about beauty...............please me find your gift in this!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lifehouse's Everything skit.....POWERFUL!

please watch this is so powerful....truly, my words are inadequate, just watch...

my miracle delivered....

Ok...first I must say praise God!! I have been living in a miracle this week. So many beautiful things have many people I have been given another chance to have in my life. But the icing on the cake is that God brought back to me my pop's best friend.....the good memories of my childhood, my only experiences with God growing up, the meat of who I am life.
Riley exploded onto the scene when I was a young child. He was this crazy happy man that teased everyone around him and had fun with everything he was handed....and sang praise to his God in his every breath! I fell in awe of him from the instant he walked in our front door. I had never seen my dad so happy. The family dynamic began to change. My dad began to change and with him the rest of us, too. I began to hear about Jesus and His love for us. I began to go to church (Riley had come to town to pastor a local church). We began to pray as a family...mealtimes, bedtimes, hard times. We began to praise Him...bad times, good times. I learned that with Jesus in control, life was wonderful. This amazing man of God showed me how beautiful and powerful the Spirit is and how necessary!
Riley brought with him a beautiful family that soon became like my own. They were radiant. I wanted to be like them. His girls were beautiful...they were happy...we sang together, we played together, we praised together. We didn't just sing the hymns, we made our own songs, too. I remember our mom's in the kitchen after service and our dad's doing whatever they did and us girls huddled in front of the stereo singin and singin. This became my life. I couldn't wait for Sunday because we got to go to church twice...and Wednesday night....and then there were always the gatherings in between and the friends that needed a meal so we would have a party. It was beautiful! It was so real...the happiness was so embedded in my being that when my life ran as far from that life as I could. I ran as far from God as I could. I ran as far from my parents as I could.
Skip to years sister passed away. My father and I hadn't spoken in years. We made amends. We began to get close again. We began to talk about God again. We forgave each other..we started new. Then he became ill. I knew in my heart it was the end, but I held onto every moment. He was in a coma, but I still talked to him. I still laid my hands on him every time I was in his room. Spirit moved in that room! I sang to him, and Him. I loved him, and Him. I was given back both my daddies in one holds barred and no regrets held. My dad came out of his coma long enough to verbalize to me that he knew everything said and done while he was "out". He promised me that we would go to church together when he "came home" and he made me promise him that I would never turn away from God again. His death was the most painful, yet most beautiful, moment of my life (and is a whole different story). I have not turned from God...I have been baptized...I love the Lord with every fiber of my being. I praise Him through the good times and the bad. I can never be close enough...I always want more!
Back to Riley, when Dad became ill I began looking for Riley. I searched and searched and pleaded and prayed and searched some more. I literally filled a notebook with phone numbers that I called .... and kept praying that he was indeed still out there to be found.
It will be 2 years in February that my search began. Yesterday, my daughter and I were playing around and found a search engine I hadn't yet seen. All of a sudden I just spoke his name...she said "huh"...I told her to put in his name. The first thing that popped up contained the information I needed to find him. It took a few phone calls and some painful explanations, but there he was. So...last night I was handed my miracle. I have Riley back in my life.....I am so overwhelmed and so overjoyed and so thankful to God!
And...when he gives me permission, I am hopefully going to share with you quite a bit more about him. But for now I will say that he is still an amazing shephard for the Lord....and he and his wife are missionaries! a country that has been heavy on my heart.....can you just see God all over this.........ILOVEJESUS!!!!and did I say PRAISE JESUS!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Personal challenge made public...gotta like those!
So, the verse that I literally opened to and looked down upon this morning was Phillipians 2:14 "Do all things without grumbling or questioning".....lovely! Wow...give me words to live by! Of course, I had to read on....
15-18 says this: "that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me."
Ok, so I have had issue with myself and my mouth. I have really been attending to what I say and how I say it....and sometimes, does it even need said at all. I have always been a talker and lately have really been trying to be still and quiet...not just in my private time, but in my public life as well. I have also been really noticing my "grumbling"....HA! I am hearing it! And a friend and I have had a "shine your light" campaign goin for a few weeks now...even to the point of telling people to shine on...or shine your light...or let your light shine. this I am hearing that I am to be a visible light for Him...meaning that if I am grumbling, I am not humbling myself. I am to rejoice in Him and let that come thru in everything I do........yeah, simple stuff, we all know these I vow to really make a concious effort to become less grumbly and more!
Hope you all have a beautiful day......and if you catch me misbehavin, let me know PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

my past revisited...

I am not sure what happened to me yesterday....but it was definitely weird, moving, great, surprise-filled....did I say great?!
So the day started off with my drive to drop the computer off, as any other morning. But no sooner than I pulled out of my driveway, I started reflecting on my past. Just...Bam!...there it was. It wasn't one piece of my was several different people, several different situations and they all ended painfully for me. These scenes rolled through my mind for the 20 minute ride....had the radio on, as usual, but didn't hear it. The kids were uncharacteristically quiet. And the images just kept rolling. I pulled into the parking lot at over and the radio "came on" and the kids started back to present. I took care of what needed taken care of and 30 minutes later we were back on the road.......and "someone" flipped my movie back on. This time, I was rehashing images of family I haven't seen in forever, family that had passed on, family that I had not yet met but know of........
So, when I got home from this show, I decided that I have a people finder right here at my fingertips. Wow! I reconnected with so many people yesterday that I am still swimming in the disbelief pool! Mind you, these weren't old friends forgotten that I was looking fact, I was quite surprised at some of the people that popped up for me in totally weird places.(An example...I had an old flame that popped up when I searched for a cousin---they did not know each other back in the day. These kind of things over and over all day.) These were people that I had a relationship of one sort or another and it had either ended badly or just ended no explanation and then they were out of my life.....not to be thought, for the most part, until yesterday. But they had all been a big chunk of my life.
My point....God took these situations that were sitting and rotting in my heart and made them beautiful. I have been able to talk to people that I thought were long gone....and wounds were healed that I thought would bleed forever. I was able to make ammends to some for the pain I caused them. I met new family. I found pleasant memories where either no memory would show, or bad ones prevailed. Today....I can't find the bad ones! Today....I feel so blessed that He entrusted me with His love enough to send me on this journey....knowing I would find souls longing for Him along the me the courage it took to bring Him to the forefront in these situations.
You see....I have no problem talking about God to anyone! I love Him! I fear Him! I trust Him! He is my everything! But, I have at some points been afraid to speak what I feel to those closest to me for fear that they would turn away...not from me, but from Him! I sometimes talk too much...ok, a lot of the time...and I am always afraid that I will be too pushy and push people away rather than bringing people to my wonderful this time before I typed or spoke, I asked Him for the words needed....what He wanted out there.
He taught me.....He gave me the right words, the right amount of push....all I had to do was stop before I started and ask for His strength and guidance to give that person just what He wanted them to have from me in that moment. I know, you may call me a little crazy.....but for me to say just enough and then quit is huge! He is leading me.....He is loving me.....He is using me! I love Him with no shame in the game at all...........I want to be a light in this dark world and I only want for those around me to see know give Him their love and life! I am soooo thankful He is teaching me to be still-----aka, to shush!

Psalm 92:4-5
"For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for your joy. How great are your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep! "

Monday, November 10, 2008


I am doing a study right now...the book is Walking by Faith - Lessons Learned in the Dark, author Jennifer Rothschild.....all I can say is an inspiration this woman is.....I am digging so deep with this, it is just amazing at the things that have been brought to light that I thought were so hidden inside they would never see the light of day again....things that really do affect my walk and I would never have realized!I really recommend this to anyone that wants to come closer to matter how close I think I am at any given moment, the truth is I am never close enough! I always want more...I always want that extra minute with Him......

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

and there it is...

So, today has been a weird day. To begin with I don't feel well at all.....but it isn't holding me like it normally would. Then I got into this mode of trying to simplify the things in my house. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is too much clutter. I have to sometimes really search for the things I need while the things that I rarely, if ever, touch are all over the place. So, I dug in! I started in the kitchen.....and WOW! You wouldn't think that there would be much that I could do in my small little kitchen, but wow......hubby will be a little agitated for a day or! He isn't one for change. The kitchen and the bathroom are adjoined and so, of course, the bathroom was also under attack! can see where this is going, can't you? Good thing it was garbage day because I added quite a bit to the pick up! It is amazing the things I hang on to "just in case". I did put quite a bit in the donate pile, too. That is always good.
Then came the coffee.....oh how I love coffee......I was becoming overwhelmed and so decided that I should just sit and have a cup-o-joe and reflect on what it is that I am feeling....what is prompting this mood could I have forgotten!!!!......One year ago today I was baptized! It seems like so long ago some days....other days it seems as though it was just yesterday. So, I think I was reorganizing and prioritizing the external because the internal was also doing a system check. I am at a place in my life where I don't want clutter in my mind----evidently my house, either. I don't want in my life "things". Today, I want love...I want God...I want to people...I want to be a servant! I want a simple way of living so that I have more time to give to my Lord, Jesus Christ!
So, since today is my "birthday", I am going to celebrate by shedding some weight and gaining more time to spend with Jesus!! My poor house.....and my poor husband!

Friday, October 31, 2008

my life song...

What is your life singing?
My have heard this particular song a thousand or more times, but never did it strike me like it did today. My lifesong.....I have a lifesong. I never would have termed it as such, but really it is. Each day a new verse ... a new opportunity to sing the love in my heart to my Father.
So, if at the end of the day I had to write a summary and sign my name to it of the things I had done, what would it say about me? Would I be ashamed to show it to my family? Would I be afraid to present it to my Lord? Would I want to sing it out loud for the world to hear?
This really makes me stop and think. My day is spent, in most part, with an infant and a toddler. They aren't gonna tell stories about Gram to people, but they are certain to imitate my behavior....repeat certain phrases....mimick me innocently with no harm intended. How much they learn by watching and listening....some times the words aren't even the issue....sometimes the actions speak so loudly that no words are even needed.
And then you have the teens.....oh boy, the teens! How do they handle conflict? Do they step up and help others when they see a soul in need? Do they sacrifice? Do they love? How have they interpreted my song? Have I showed that Jesus is the most important person in my life, and the one I do it all for? Am I seeing Him in their lives?
Wow....see what I am saying here?! I have to really now sit and evaluate my lifesong. I know that I am human and I know that I will make mistakes. I also know that if I live the song that I want to sing, I won't have to worry about how I am interpreted because all that will be seen of my actions will be my Father's fingerprints. If my actions reflect my heart, my God, I can sing out loud knowing that what I sing will be of love.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I want superman strength....

"Logic will question and receive many answers. Faith will ask no questions and receive only one answer. Logic will flow forever and ever and ever but faith will flow up and up and up. Logic will sap your strength. Faith will give you superman strength!" Thank you to my new friend Jerry for this! This paragraph really stuck in my craw this morning.....especially the last two sentences. "Logic will sap your strength. Faith will give you superman strength" How powerful and oh how true!

It has been an unusual week for me with a lot of changes that weren't expected. I have had some let downs...heartbreaking let downs. I have had some enlightened moments, too. Balance.....but, I have allowed myself to step off the normal routine and in doing so have stopped "listening" as closely. I have found myself trying to "reason" not only with myself, but with God, too. So, yesterday, I cleaned out my "ears"....I spent most of my day in praise and worshipped my Lord. I sang all day.....just me and the grandbabies. We sang and we danced and we talked to Jesus. It was so beautiful and such an inspiration. Two things stuck out to me yesterday....both from artist Matthew West. The first that struck my heart was "Your life is a song that you sing and the whole wide world is listening...." The second "keep me in the center of your will for me".
If the whole world is listening to my song....what I am I telling them??! Am I telling them one thing while doing another? It has felt that way this week. I say to trust God and walk in faith....yet this week I have tried to barter with God....I have tried to change His mind for my betterment.....silly girl! So to hear the words "keep me in the center of your will for me"......well, that humbled me quickly. Then I had to apologize....then I had to get back to my place at His feet so that I could receive my lesson and direction. Oh what a glorious place! I don't ever want to give up that position!!

So, that being said....I realized that I was trying to live "logically" and that wasn't working for me....praise God. Human logic is an awful place to live, it requires entirely too much work on my part only to come up short in the end and have to start all other words, it is never ending and I am always tired with no real answer. I need to stay faithful and just listen to my Dad when he tells me what to do....He will never put me where He won't protect me...He will never leave me to handle what He won't walk me through!

Thank You, Lord, for all that you have given me. Thank You for allowing me to prove to myself that I need You, even when I think I have it all under control.

Monday, October 20, 2008

challenging her young mind...and mine, too!

So, I started reading this book a few days ago and it dawned on me that I want to read this with my 14 year old (for another week!)and challenge not only myself, but her as well.
We started reading WWJD In His Steps by Charles M Sheldon. We read the first chapter together tonight. If any of you have read this.....or want to read with us....we are doing a chapter a day. We are doing the whole reading out loud thing...which I haven't sat down and done with her in years. I enjoyed it. Maybe she can do the reading sometimes, too.
Here is the challenge.....beginning tonight we pray for His guidance and wisdom in everything we do.....we think carefully before we speak.....we evaluate what is important and what is essence, before we respond/react, we will stop and ask ourselves what Jesus would do. If that means stepping out of our box, well....we will just have to do that. We start tomorrow and for 6 months we will do this.
I am excited....I feel challenged....I know that my life will change drastically, and I am hoping that hers will as well.
Anyway......anyone that wants to join, let me know.......that is an invitation to the book and the challenge-----or more importantly the challenge itself!! Imagine how much our lives can change and how much glory we can bring to God if we ask ourselves this little's only 6 can do it!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

oh my gosh....

I got it.....I wrote it....I read it....I got it........oh my gosh!!!

Since I shared the dream...I feel compelled to share my interpretation....hope you don't mind.....

"I was in a large field...
this field was my life. My life was full of people that I really didn't know or care much about, nor did they know or care much about me. I didn't let anyone see the real me, "the building in the center." People came into and out of my life on many levels, just passing through.

"All of a sudden I heard an infant crying...
That was soul crying out...I realized that my life was empty. I realized that there was something so great that was missing from my life. I knew I had to shed the life I was living before it shed me.
"I took off running.....
I ran away from that life and didn't let anything stop me...I didn't let anything get in my way. The moment that switch flipped, I ran to the Lord and I ran so fast and so hard and cried out to Him for healing and love and happiness...and let out everything to Him that I held so deep inside for so long!
"I searched room to room.....
I had compartmentalized the people in my life....some were allowed to see this "part" of me...some this other "part", but nobody could see all of me.........hence, the children in each room with one worker and still feeling no love....My soul was screaming for something but I hurt so bad inside that I made no sound to another for fear of rejection or having to look at where the pain was really coming from....
"Finally a female nurse...
I trusted no other woman! To me, women were my enemy. Another woman in my life meant that they wanted my man...or were there to make me look bad, because in my eyes there wasn't any other woman that wasn't better in some way or another than me....they were skinnier, prettier, more attentive, more likable, cooked better, etc.
"Then appeared a man....
God heard my cries!!!! God came to my side and said follow me to this room....this room being my heart. I went on the porch to find air and God.....when I froze, He was there and said again...follow me.
"We arrived at the childs room...
We entered my heart!! I felt as though I was unsavable! I felt as though I was slipping from myself and everything that did matter to me was being sucked out of me.
"I went to the sink to wash my hands...
I wanted cleansed!! I wanted Him to make me clean and take the horrible out of me.
"I turned on the water...
I was baptized!!!! My Lord grabbed me up from the pipes of despair...My Daddy held me in His arms, not at all minding that I was still slippery and wet---still new to Him! He would not let me go.....My Father let me cling to Him so tightly that I knew He would never let me go.....
"I won't be coming back. This child is well in your arms and you in His."
My God told me that He will forever hold me in His arms and I will no longer have to be alone!!!!!! I will no longer feel unwanted or unloved!!!! I will no longer have to search for approval, He approves. I will no longer feel ugly, He thinks I am beautiful. I will no longer feel useless, He has a job for me!
"my heart was overflowing with love...
He had filled me up! Now I am seeing others in need and trying to bring them to Him...trying to show others that with the love of their Father, all is possible! Without Him, we are children with no real parentage.

Wow!!! I am overwhelmed right now and am so full of love and amazement at my Father's strength and tenderness!! This is much more descriptive, I just had to give you the basics because even the basics scream how amazing our Father is and how powerful and how He can look at our soul to see where we are hurting or struggling and give us a means to see it for what it is and fix it! I love you, Jesus!!

I had a dream...

Ok, so I had a very vivid dream last night that I actually felt compelled to wake up and write down so I wouldn't forget it. I am really overwhelmed with emotion from this dream....many emotions....and so, I think that is just going to be my blog of the day. I welcome any and all comments, opinions, etc as to ideas of it's meaning.............

"He was born to nothing and nobody knew his parentage" was the immediate thought I had as I woke from the following dream.

I was in a large field, no flowers or grass, just a large lot/field full of dirt and people and cars and motorcycles. There were groups of people milling around all over and there were sporadic fights breaking out here and there. There was a mid-size building in the center of all this commotion, but nobody was near it and there didn't seem to be any activity inside of it. There were windows, but there was no movement visible from the outside. There were little blow up huts all around the building that served as "party huts" with various people in and out all the time.

I was sitting on a car hood....there were some others around me, but nobody was with me. I seemed to know everyone there and they knew me, but none of us really cared if the other was there or not.

All of a sudden I heard an infant was soooo loud and soulfull.....I felt instantly the pain, fear and lonliness in this cry. I took off running toward the building...people were yelling as I passed that they had never seen a person run so quickly. I could feel the tears stinging my cheeks as my hair stuck to my face with the wind hitting me as I least, it felt like I was flying....I just had to get to this child.
I ran in the door to the building and continued to follow the sound of the cry. I came to a floor and the cry stopped, but I knew I was there. I searched room to room as I wondered from hall to hall. In every room was a child with one parent, no love, no life.....just a child alone in a bed and crying with no sound. Some saw me and their eyes just pierced my soul, but I had to keep searching til I found the baby.
Finally a female nurse with one of the children told me that I had to leave. I told her that I could not do that, I had to find this child. She said that no one knows of this child. More female nurses came around and they were telling me that even if they did know of this child they wouldn't be able to help me due to confidentiality laws. Then appeared a man...I assumed him to be a doctor. He said to the nurses that he would take it from there and he told me that they do not have a name for the child, nor do they know from where the child came. The only information they have is that there is a man that claims some responsibility and his name is John, but nobody has been able to reach him as they do not have a last name. He said he would allow me to see the child, but I would have to wait with the others in the room. He escorted me into a very small waiting area. There were a handful of people. When we walked into the room, he looked at one young lady and told her that she was pregnant. She immediately got up and left the room. One by one he led the others in to see the child. There was another woman and myself left, so I went out onto the balcony to wait. I needed air...I needed God. The people outside were totally oblivious to what was happening in these walls. It was as if this building was invisible to anyone else. I heard a noise and looked down and one of the party hut people was stumbling to the doorway of the building while leaving a trail of vomit. I tried to move, or say something, but I was frozen. After what only seemed like a few moments, the man came and told me it was my turn. As we walked to the child's room, it impressed me that this man was very powerful and that he was very tenderhearted. He was clean cut, but rugged looking. His eyes were overwhelmingly blue and very though I could see through to my own soul through his eyes. I felt as though in his presence nothing bad could happen.
We arrived at the child's room and all of a sudden I could hear his crys again....desperately attempting to get anyone's love and attention. We walked into the room and there was a sink. I went to the sink to wash my hands before going to the child. I turned on the water and began to wet my hands. I looked down and there was the baby spiraling down the drain pipe. The only thing in the sink was one arm and his I grabbed him by the arm and began pulling him. The doctor shut off the water and the baby popped out into my arms. His crying stopped instantly....he was so slippery that I was having trouble holding him, but his grip was sooo strong that I could have let go of him and he would not have fallen. It was then that I looked over to the doctor and asked him how long I had with this child. He looked at me and smiled and said," I won't be coming back. The child is well in your arms and you in his." It was as he was walking away that I realized that he had on no shoes or socks...he was barefoot. I looked down at the child and he was smiling up at me. My heart was overflowing with love and I started aching for all the other children in that building...none could have been over 5 years old....none had anyone to love them or play with them.
I looked back out the window and everyone was gone. The dirty lot was now a grassy field full of flowers and there were now children laughing and playing in the field.

Lord, I know that this dream is sticking with me for a reason...please shed light on what you need of me or what you want me to know.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Praise God!!!!
I just got a call from my son. The first thing he said to me was "I don't know how you always do it, mom, but you saved me again. You literally saved a war inside these walls. Just as it was about to erupt we had mail call. I opened my mail and there were your blogs. I started to read them and realized that somewhere I had jumped track and was slipping again. I cried and prayed. I put them down mid way thru and went and found the guy that was the biggest part of the problem and sat him down and we talked. I would be in seg or worse if I hadn't got those right then."
Guys....I mailed those off over a week ago and he just received them! One day I was sitting here posting a blog and felt a strong need to print everything I had written and send it to my son with the front piece that is a character looking up saying inspire me. I didn't know why I got that urge...didn't question it and now I know why.
Our prayers were answered here.....God intervened once again!! I reminded him of that very thing....he knows to give thanks where it is due, cuz it isn't me that is deserving. In my headline I say that I don't always know why these words come or who they are for...but He does and that is where my inspiration lies. Well.....I can do no more than praise Him and love Him and live my life to please Him. My God is amazing and I have to shout it!!! Dear Lord you are such an amazing provider! You know before I do that I am in need and just when I don't know if I can hang on any longer You are there to pull me through. Thank You for always having room on Your lap for this little girl to climb in her daddies lap and rest!! I love You, Lord!!!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT)

As I look back on my life, there are many very painful situations. Situations that I, at the time, couldn't see through the pain I was in. So many times I asked God "why? why me? what did i do to deserve this? what can i do to stop this?" Through these times I felt alone....I felt like it was all I could do to lift my head to start a new was sometimes physically painful to just keep breathing. I remember thinking that I had to have done something unforgivable to be living through what I was in. And I kept going......and I kept hurting, feeling......and I just kept telling myself that someday my life would be different.
Someday came....after many more situations that I just knew I wasn't going to make it through. Some day came....after many more times of questioning God why it was me He was picking on.
Some day came....when I didn't think I could go to the funeral of one more person I love.
Some day came......when I realized that He loved me so much that He held me through those times
I realized that God had let me feel a little like His son.......beaten down, spit upon, called names, brutalized, having those he loved so much turn their backs and walk away......and out of all that pain, He taught me!
He taught me that no matter what happens in this world, He is with me. He taught me that if I turn the other cheek, He will heal the wound. He taught me that if I don't strike back but forgive, my heart aches for the person striking the blow instead of wishing bad things. He has taught me that the person who hurt me the most in this world ... the person that I should fear most ... is His child, too.
Guys, today I see that if I had not endured what I have, I would not be able to help others. Sure, I may be able to tell a person I am sorry and mean it......I may be able to give a hug or a smile and make a little difference.......but, I can share with someone in pain how my Lord, my saviour delivered me. I can share that I know how devistating it is in this situation, but this is where your Father can put you if you just let Him love you!
Today.....I feel blessed. I know that I have been through so many things that I could be bitter for, but I am instead thankful to have been carried through these things rather have been delivered from them because today I can say with no waiver of doubt that my God God God is awesome! and my God loves me! No matter what I have matter where I have been.......when I gave Him my life, He washed me clean and He meets me where I am when I turn to Him:
As the song says....
He ran to me
took me in his arms
held my head to his chest
said my son's come home again
lifted my face
wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in his voice he said son do you know i still love you
yes i love you

Sunday, September 28, 2008

oh golly....

Can I just share with you that I am feeling very overwhelmed right now! Not in a bad way, but in a "Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve all that You are entrusting me with" kind of way!
Yesterday was such an enlightening day for me. I have been "hearing" that I need to go big. Ok, I know what this is in relation to......but I wasn't getting the whole idea. So I was talking to a friend, there it came at me really, go big....big like a small hotel, or a school, or a church....big. Ok.....
So, I get in my car to head over to the church and I turned the key, started the car, turned the radio off and said outloud " have my full attention....please clarify what I am hearin here, cuz I am not getting it" So, a little ways down the road ....more are coming.... ok .... so I need a bigger house cuz there may be more kids comin? .... a little further down the road ... not just kids, mothers and their children, whole them heal and move them on.... Now I have chills and I am callin out...are you sure you know who you are talking to here.....Lord, how can I do that? I am not trained to do these things! Lord, please....I want to do what You tell me to do, but I don't know how to do this! Silly me! Question the one who puts the questions in my! When will I learn?
So, I get to the church and go inside. One of the regular helpers is in there and she says I look a little frazzled and so I tell her a little bit of what was going on. She says "Can I pray for you?" I said "yes, now good for you?" She laid her hands on my shoulders and began to pray.....let me tell you that she was praying things that I was "hearing" yet, I hadn't told her this part of the story. Not only that....the presence of God around us was so overwhelming that I really don't know if I was breathing while she was praying or if I was just totally consumed by Him!
It doesn't stop there....I didn't help because I arrived late, so I waited in line with all the others. I haven't yet done that. I was overwhelmed with emotion sitting with these hurting people. A few reached out to me....probably because they figured if I was sitting there with them, I was hurting to. This really humbled me and I was able to have a couple really meaningful conversations that really helped me and hopefully the other person received as well.
Last but not least....I get home and told the girls what had just happened to me that morning. The thought that overshadowed everything that I was saying....the images running thru my mind while I was relaying all the information was the Watoto community in Africa. The kids came to my church and sang and I wanted so badly to drop it all and run to Africa and love these hurting souls. At the end, two little boys grabbed hold of me and spoke to they had been shaking hands, but when I got to the little boy 2nd from the end he just latched around my waist and looked deep into my heart and I felt it change right that second. Then the last little boy in line did the same thing. So, that being said.....I tell my husband when he gets home what happened. I told him that somehow in all that I think that the hurting in Illinois need the love that the hurting in Africa need....and since I can't go there, I need to do that here. I said I feel as though God is reachin down and puttin the smack down on my heart....he laughed and said "honey, have you ever heard the term duck".......we laughed and I said "well, God's hand is a little too big and if He wants it done, I don't know that there is anywhere I can run"
So, all that said..........PLEASE PRAY FOR ME! I don't know when or what is coming my way, but I do know that the Lord is preparing to once again rock my world and I want to be able to sail the waves and let His work be done.............

Saturday, September 20, 2008

slowin down a bit...

Today, I was drained....I mean I have had myself running so much that I just dropped the ball today and game over. That doesn't happen often, but it did give me quite a bit of time to think...and pray...and meditate.
I just have to tell you....I am grateful! I have a full house, a full life and I am grateful! There is so much love that surrounds me everyday that it just overwhelms me.
So, thank you Jesus for slowing me down enough today to realize just how many wonderful things You have given me! Thank you for letting me see the beautiful in the ordinary. Thank you for using me!

Friday, September 19, 2008


Ok.....I find it so funny that when I really need to get ahold of something it is continually handed to me over and over til I can honestly say it has hit!
I have been thinkin, prayin and just plain beggin for some things of God. This morning I realized that I haven't been believing it ... just asking it. I really thought I was believing, but no, it was just hoping. And even more than that...the one thing that is truly my hearts desire I just put out there like it was a sidebar idea ... or if He got bored for a minute and needed to giggle he would have some new material.
So, yesterday I went to speak with a lady about some things. This woman is a woman of God....someone who I totally respect and admire. conversation turned and she told me a story about a person who had been provided the very thing my heart has been longing for. By the end of the conversation, I was realizing that I had not really petitioned for what I truly want at all because I thought it was so big that I would be selfish to ask and the couple times I had mentioned it to God, it was like I tossed it in for a giggle. Yeah right, someone like me is gonna get something like this.....there are so many people so much more deserving. I listened, I teared up, I thought to myself that would be great....but still wasn't really ready to grasp that I could indeed go to Him for this.
So, this morning I got up to do my meditation and devotional time and my first reading is speaking of this....who would have thought,!

³So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened² (Luke11:9,10, NIV).

So I am not reading that I should hope my wish will be question may or may not be answered. This is saying ask and I will be upon Him and He will be there! I am not reading to ask if you have achieved 1,2 and 3 first....or ask only if you feel you are the only deserving person of this. No, it says very clearly to ask and you will be given. That is so powerful, yet so easy to forget when I am in the midst of a situation. It is also so easy for me to believe it to be for a day or two and then tell myself that it really was silly to ask so maybe I should just move on and keep hoping that someday it will happen.
But, if my petition is important enough for me to come on my knees....if my petition is desperate enough that I beg my Father.....I need to believe that He already has it taken care of! It may not be delivered today....or even tomorrow.....but He already has a plan of correction in place and my provision is already in the works. So, I need to thank my Father every day for it as though it has already been delivered! Not thank Him for hearing me.....not thank Him for thinking about it....not thank Him for maybe thinking about it.....Thank you Father for taking care of me in my need! Thank you Father for my provision!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

See God in everything!

I am involved in a situation right now that is bringing pain to people that I love, more specifically to children that I love. I am having a very hard time with keeping a right heart towards these individuals. I am really having a hard time being nice where they are concerned. So, I prayed for them...I know that they are also in pain right now, so I am really trying to be more understanding.
So, this morning before reading my devotionals I prayed for their hearts to soften and for something to show me....for something to help me be more forgiving....for something to help me so I can be there for the kids while showing them how to handle these kinds of situations in a Godly way.
Here are the first few sentences I read:

"He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes." 1 Samuel 3:18

If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see! Perhaps the circumstances causing my sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same, but if Christ is brought into my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance" (psalm 32:7)

THANK YOU, FATHER!!!! You never fail me when I ask and I listen!! You are always there if I reach out to You.....that is my comfort!
See God in everything!!! How powerful is that?! How much that says! How can I not act lovingly towards another if I am seeing can I be mean spirited or revenge filled if I am seeing Him...........such simple little words but wow!! the impact!
I am so thankful to have such a powerful Master......such an inspiring Father......such a selfless Savior.....such a loving Daddy! Jesus thank you for never failing me...thank you for reminding me that even in my pain, even in my confusion, You are there and if I just turn to You there lies my comfort and strength and ability to move on!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

tell me..what is impossible with God.....

Today I am truly blessed!!
So many things have been added to my plate and rolled into this thing called my many amazing, amazing changes that I could just never have imagined could happen to me.
To begin family has a new member. We have been delivered a beautiful young woman to share our lives with. She has been through unimaginable circumstances, yet she can still smile. This is proof to me that my God is ever working, ever loving, ever healing....always, always there!! I am so honored to have been handed such a gift in my life........Lord, thank you so very much for bringing Tay into our family and please let me show her how to be a strong woman of God!! She has something special to offer Your kingdom and I am so honored that You gave me the task of bringing her to You! Please keep me strong and on Your course.....please don't let me let her down!!
Then today my friend and I were approached to be a part of such an amazing ministry that I can only feel overwhelmed and honored to be deemed a part of this team. I have been praying for enlightenment on a few issues and they all seemed to have been handled in this one conversation. Thank you, Lord, for putting me with such amazing men and women! These people are Your people and Your presence is so strong when I am working with them to feed Your hungry. Lord, help me to grow with these people ... help me to heal wounds and feed the soul, as well as the body!
Father, I am Yours.....I am surrounded by your blessings today and am in awe of Your greatness!! Please fill me with Your grace that I can shine for You!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

the puzzle..

Wow! That is really all I can say about the chain of events surrounding me right now. I am so overwhelmed with my life..don't get me wrong, I love my life, it is just crazy right now. So many unexpected things.........
Ok, now let me laugh at myself.......isn't this what I ask for on a daily basis? Don't I ask God every single day to use me........don't I tell Him that I want to be His vessel?
I guess until just now, I haven't really looked at my life since becoming a christian and asking God to work the unthinkable through me. I haven't actually been putting the pieces of the puzzle of my life together, I have just been tossin em in a jar to look at later. Wow....what our God can do with a life.
Let me tell you...I used to be a pretty selfish person...pretty shallow. I mean, I wasn't a mean person, but I lived to make me happy. Did I help people? Absolutely....but I did expect something in return, if nothing other than a thank you. But today, it seems that all I want to do is help ... genuinely help ... and most often I find myself not wanting to tell anyone what I have done and when told thank you I give thanks to our Father.
I didn't really pay attention to this change in me....I didn't really notice til yesterday that my life has dramatically changed. I didn't realize that I haven't asked what my purpose was or where am I going in this life in quite sometime.
Guys...I am healed....I am cleansed....I am transformed...I am His! He has blessed my life beyond anything I could ever have imagined. He is using me to get to people. He is giving me opportunities to share His love. He is challenging me beyond my wildest dreams. He has shown me that I am a servant........I am His servant.........and that means that I am humbled before all. That means that I give before I take. That means I love without reason. That means that I don't turn my back on a challenge or change my course because of a bump in the road. And that means that He loves me unconditionally and so that is what I am to can I turn my back to anyone that He puts before me when He would never turn His back on me? My life is meant to be lived. I am not here to just exist. I am here to minister.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Weirdness ebbs my mind...

Weirdness is settling in...I am not sure how I am feeling....
This is my stance for today....weirdness.
I feel like I am in the middle of a my body is ready but my wings just haven't figured out how to fly yet.
I know that God has something for me to do, but I just can't get there. I am sure that means that I need to slow my overactive mind down and be still, but some days that is a very difficult task for me.
I keep hearing that I need to serve on a higher level.....that I need to give more.....that I need to minimize me and maximum Him.
I will be quite honest here and say that I feel compelled to hurry are piling up and Christmas is coming.....this, that and all in the middle want the money that I used to make....I know I could jump right out there and get a "job", but my heart is telling me no, be patient cuz the right thing hasn't presented itself.
Oh....patience and faith go hand in hand, don't they?! I know that He is an awesome provider, He has shown me this over and over. I just have to quiet myself and listen........I have to put my worries away because my life isn't for me it is for Him and He has me right where He wants me and provides everything that I need. There it is .. my needs are met, just not all the! Oh how those lines can blur when I get in a hurry!
Lord, today remind me that You are in control and that You always have me in just the right spot at just the right time. Work through me so that I may reach even one person today for You. Please, Father, still my mind so that I can hear You when You give me guidance. Thank You so much for my life today......please let me live it only for You!!

"So use your body to honor God" 1Corinthians 6:20

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I AM YOURS I was driving to work this morning, which is usually my quiet time---prayer, reflection, just listening. Well, I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to turn on the radio. So, of course, I did---I have learned not to ignore these things. The song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns was just beginning. Let me tell you....that song gets me on a normal day, but this morning it took me over and ran me onto a worship ground so high and urgent........guys, I was overwhelmed and in tears. I was driving down the road singing like no one could see me or hear me and if they could it didn't matter anyway..At times my own praise was coming out instead of the words to the song......I was overcome!!! I had so many scenes of my life and the lives of my children race across my mind. Moments in life that I could only see a bad outcome but that at the last moment a miracle happened....yet I didn't realize that I/we had just been graced. Moments that I have never really looked at as defining moments in life.....but o how wrong I was to think that. There isn't a moment in my life that isn't defining. I can turn one way or the other and the outcome will change. So, to know that I am His.........Praise God!!!

Now just hear this....
"Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth (all the earth and yet he still has time for me?!) Would care to know my name (it's right there in the palm of His hands)Would care to feel my hurt(He weeps over us as much as He celebrates our victories)
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart (even when I don't want to listen and choose a different path, He still shows me a way out)
Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are (nothing I do or don't do changes His love for me!)
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You Hear me when I'm calling Lord You catch me when I'm falling You've told me who I am I AM YOURS (so insignificant, yet all important to Him)
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me...." (His arms and His lap are always waiting for me to come to Him)

This tells me how truly insignificant I am in this large world, yet at the same time, how precious! He knows me and yet He still loves me....all I have to do is cry out to Him and He is there. But you know there are many times that I don't remember calling and yet there He was anyway. He never lets me go.....He never lets me down. He doesn't always give me what I want, but He always gives me just what I need.......I am His!!!! What better badge in life to wear.....I am His!!!

Lord, thank You for the reminders that get me where I need to go in this life....thank You for always providing for me, even if it is something I don't understand at that moment. Keep me remembering how great You are and let me tell everyone how much You love them, too!

Monday, September 1, 2008

I apologize

I apologize....I posted nothing yesterday. I know that you may say that I don't need to say I am sorry for that, but really I do.
You see, I let the dark in for a minute .... and it scared me! There was a minute on Saturday night that I became the person that I used to be. It started so quickly and ran so fast! At one point I truly looked at myself in the mirror to see if it was really me sitting there. I didn't realize how easy it is to slip .... how quickly the devil wants to reclaim what he wants .... how totally empassioned one can get in such a short period of time. I became engulfed in jealousy....I reacted instead of acting.....I bought a pack of cigarettes, and smoked a couple of them.....I had a drink, well I took a drink from it and it made me feel sick so I put it down. Guys, I haven't done any of that in a REALLY long time! To top it all of, I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't even go to church Sunday morning.
So, Sunday I had some serious fixing to do within myself.....some serious conversations with my Father to have. I had to humble myself yet again and really get personal with God. I had to come to the point that I know it is ok that I stumbled, I am human. The good thing is that my Lord is soooo much stronger than His opponent! He wasn't gonna let go and I wasn't gonna stop reaching! Guys, it was not where I wanted to be nor is it where I ever want to go again, but I needed a reality check and I needed to remember that none of us are safe from temptation. I chose to go down that road when it was presented......I had to own my mistake and fix it......I had to go to my Father and humble myself before Him.
The thing is .... He was still there for me! He was still with me, which is why I was able to surface and realize my wrong before it carried me away. No matter how wrong what I did was, no matter how horrible it made me Daddy was sitting there waiting for me to come sit at His feet and get my scolding, my lesson if you will , and then crawl up on His lap so that I could know His love and He could dry my tears...........
Life gets no better than know that I can always go to my Father and He will discipline me but still love me and not turn His back........................
Father, thank You for holding my head up when I can't do it myself...thank You for letting me know that I am not a horrible person but that temptation is always right there and I need to listen for Your voice to guide me. Please forgive my selfishness! I love you, Father, and need You always!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Strength in the darkness...

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10-13 ESV

Fear not? God, have you seen the news lately? Have You seen the financial state the world is in? Do you know the struggles of a normal person on a day-to-day basis? Do you know the greatest fear I am facing right now is that I am powerless?

I have had my days lately where these questions have crossed my mind.....all the Lord what-ifs and whys. I have had the occassion where I am so stuck in those questions that I can't see beyond the mountain of stresses I have created around me. I will admit, it took a long time for me to realize what this verse means....and a lot of added burden created from my own meddling.
You see....He isn't saying that we aren't gonna struggle. He isn't saying that we are gonna meet every bill, every deadline. He isn't even saying that we will stay safe in our home tonight.
What I hear Him saying is that He will be there with me while I struggle through each of the situations I allow Him to be with me in. I hear Him telling me to be still and listen......know He is there. I hear Him saying that thru all that is going on in my life, in my head, in my world-----take His hand, feel His love and protection and know that I will be able to hold my head high at the end of this trial.
I am gonna share with you my biggest struggle recently. My son just got sentenced to prison. I cannot even imagine being in his shoes right now. I have heard all the horror stories of what happens in those places and that is my baby going in there. Now, my son has battled with me over Christ for a long time. Let me tell you.......He meets you where you are!!! All you have to do is ask Him in, even when you don't feel that you are worth His time, all you have to do is ask. My son asked!! Praise God, he opened the door and let Him in. Now, I am not going to speak for my son, but I will tell you what I have seen and what I have felt since this took place. My son was filled with fear and anger and he has now started a new life with Christ as his center and plans to continue that when he comes home. My son wouldn't have asked for a prayer to be said for him to save his life. I got a letter yesterday .... "mom keep me in your prayers and ask God not to take away the problems I face, but for the strength for the boys and my family to overcome this and get through." My son is no longer afraid because he knows his Father has him .... he knows that he can rely on Him for strength, comfort and guidance. He knows that at this time in his life when he can pull nothing more from himself, He will take him in His arms, wipe his tears and call him His own and help him through.
I don't know about you, but that just makes me think that if He can handle that kind of fear......I am reaching up!!! Take my hand, Daddy, and show me the way through the darkness when it falls. If I try to let go, just give me a squeeze and remind me that You are still with me. I love you, Lord and am so thankful to have such a loving Father!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Stretch me...

I don't know about you, but there are certain people that get put into my life that I just have a hard time dealing with. In fact, there are some that I just don't want around me at all.

It is in these dealings that I have to remember that God forgave me of all my faults....that He loves this person the same as He loves me....that it isn't up to me to judge this person's character flaws/defects.

So.....what do I do in these situations? Well, I don't do what I used to do.....which was avoid these people or retaliate with my own character flaws, to put it nicely. What I do now is try to be nice. Whatever the situation, I try to be nice. I know this sounds like I am trying to be all goody-goody or something, but that isn't where I am coming from. Truly, it is easy to love the lovable people of the world....those with good personalities or someone who is always there when I need them or the ones that society sees as a benefit. But, I need to remember to love even those that don't fall into those categories. How am I being taught anything if everything is made easy? How am I to learn to love if everything around me is lovely? How am I to grow if I don't stretch?

See, I think that God puts all kinds of people in our lives for all kinds of reasons, and these reasons don't have to be made known to me. The only thing I need to know is that we are all God's people and I need to be His vessel. If that seed needs sown, I want to sow it.....if it needs watered, let me nourish it..........I think you get the picture. If I can help only one person come to know the Lord, then I feel as though I am doing something right. If I can make one person feel better with just a smile.....then plant it on my face. Someone once told me that if I keep my love bucket full it will continue to run over onto everyone I encounter.

Lord, let me shine for You today. Put me in places and situations that make me uncomfortable...that make me stretch...that make me search You out in the crowd. And please Lord, keep me from pushing anyone away with my attitude or behaviors. Keep my love bucket full, Father, that it may sprinkle onto all those I come in contact with that they may come to love you as I do!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I so needed that...


I soooo needed to hear this today....and really just need to put it on my heart and in my memory.
This is such a statement of hope and promise!!! "With God all things...." do you hear that??....ALL THINGS....are possible!!! That is soooo huge!!
Those things that I didn't think were forgivable.....those things that I didn't think I was worth....those things that I was too afraid of rejection/failure to try....those things that everyone around me told me would never happen................guys, the list goes on............He promises that ALL THINGS are possible......
I challenge you to meditate on that for the day.....what is something that you just can't get around....something that you just can't forgive/forget.....something that your heart desires more than anyone knows................give it to your Father with a loving and trusting heart and just see what He does with it!!