Friday, December 5, 2008

The evil in my mouth!

"In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:5-8 NLT

Ok, the first thing I must do here is tell you that I am bringing to light an issue so that the evil one can not keep it over me! I have already knelt before my Father, and I have asked forgiveness and said I am sorry to those that were involved. But I feel that I need to also let all of you that read what I have to say know that I, too, fall and fall hard when I do. I am far, far from perfect and far, far from the person I want to be.
Last night, something happened that scared me badly. My immediate reaction was praying within my head while I was going through the outward motions/questions/etc. What quickly came was panic....what followed right on panics heels was the poison that flew from my mouth!! I haven't errupted like that...and I say errupted because there was an unstoppable force spewing from a very long time. Not even the blog a few months back where I slipped into old behaviors could touch this scene. The scariest part was that no matter how hard I tried to stop the words, no matter how horrid they were as they were flying...I could not shut my mouth. It was literally as though I was a insides were screaming one thing and something all together different was flying from my lips. I do believe that it scared me more than the situation that started the whole ordeal.
It came to me in the moments after, when I was sobbing before my Father, that I am for the first time excited for Christmas! I knew this...I have blogged this...I tell everyone that I am ecstatic that I am going to celebrate Jesus' birthday! I can't wait! But .... the devil doesn't want that of me....he wants to hold me where he has always had me so that God cannot have the glory! this I say "I BELONG TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND NOTHING AND NOBODY WILL SEVER ME FROM HIM!!" Bring it on.....I may crack, I may crumble....I may even have a war inside of myself, but HE will keep me His and I will forever strive to be better for Him...I will forever shout His message.....I will forever spread His cheer....I will forever love Him and praise Him and honor Him......and I will forever fall on the floor before Him in awe and respect!!!
I may not pass every test of faith handed me when it is handed to me....but I do try....and I will make corrections and keep on! My Lord knows my heart....My Lord knows who I really am and from where I came and He will never, never let go!!!
And, in reflection, the thing that bothered me most was that when people look at me I want them to see my Father....I want to live a life for Him, to make Him proud, to show His love for His people.....and in just a second like that one, I alone could turn people away from Him.....and that would be heartbreaking to me.

"You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all it's wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him." Colossians 3:7-10 NLT

Lord, forgive me and help me to be the person You need me to be for You. Please place a shield of love and protection around me, not only from my old self and desires, but also from the world that wants to hold me back. Use me as Your vessel and let my light shine only for You! I only want You!!