Tuesday, December 15, 2009

How can I doubt my Creator?

This morning I went to the grocery store. Yes, that is something that I do at least once a week but today was much different. You see, for the first time in many years, I had to go through the store with my calculator in my hand knowing that even the small amount I was allowing myself to spend on food was too much because now I would not meet one of the bills. It was quite humbling.
As I entered the store, my stomach started turning. I knew that I was only here for the very basic of things and couldn't afford anything more. The boys were with me, and I had to tell them no so many times, and each time my heart broke a little more. As I was going down the aisles looking for the specific things on my list, my past came back to me. The days of hot dogs and peanut butter and jelly. The days of milk being something that we might get once a month if lucky. I never really thought I would see these days again.
This got my mind to wondering. How long will it be before all of our luxuries are removed? How long before the phone is shut off and the computer is just a space taker? This is where the Lord stepped in. He gently reminded me that He will feed me....even if it is the very tiniest of morsels, I will be fed. He will provide shelter....even if I have to give up all the things that I am used to having, like the phone, the internet, the cable. He will not leave me. In Matthew 6:25-34, He says (Jesus spoke this!)
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, " What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

How can I doubt my Creator? He made me! He knows every hair on my head! He knows my heart! He knows each and every need and desire! He will not let me perish for I am His. I may not be able to provide for my family, but He can and will! It occurs to me how much I love my family, and how strong a desire I have to provide every little thing that they need and want......this is not even a close match to the love Jesus has for us. How then could I worry? Thank You Jesus for all that You provide, for all that You share of Yourself, for all that I cannot even put into words!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

His clothes

My grandson came in and turned on the television this morning and there was a question answer session going on. It was the last question when he turned it on and this was the question.

When I need to make a decision and I go to God but don't get a clear word back, if I proceed without waiting for a clear answer is that going in my will and is that sinful."

Ok, now you know that I was caught and waiting for the answer. Are you ready for this? Haha, I know that you are........

If you are living in a relationship with Jesus and know that The Holy Spirit is dwelling in you, you also know the peace of your spirit when aligned God. If we live in this place, we can also quickly recognize the feeling of unrest in our spirit. If we are moving in His will, we will be at peace. If we are going against His will, we will experience unrest. We will not always get a clear answer because He does allow for us to make choices, but The Holy Spirit will always nudge you and let you know.

He also said this.

Many times we ask for God to show us the path He wants us to take. Sometimes we then find ourselves stopped and waiting and questioning if we "hear" the right answer, if we "are doing what He intends". Ask instead for God to block the path we are not to go down. There are many ways that are ok to get where we are going, there are usually also clear cut wrong ways. If we ask that He block those roads for us, He will do so.

Now as I look at my walk, I can say there is truth in this. I haven't always gotten a definitive answer, and I do know that He allows me to choose Him, choose love. I can honestly say that those times that I have been clearly on the "wrong path" I have been filled with unrest and torment. However, we do not have to stay there. Our Father is a loving, forgiving Father that will allow a lesson, but will correct in love and can right any wrong. He won't hold us to our poor choices, He will lovingly teach us His way, yet continue to allow us our choices.
I can definitely say that there is nothing like that quiet, still, deep rooted peaceful feeling that I feel knowing that the Holy Spirit resides in me and is working through me. There is also no mistaking the feeling of turmoil and angst when I know that I am going against love, when I am in my own clothes and not in the clothes that God designed for me. You see, my clothes never fit. They are loose here, tight there, lacking in some fashion ... always always lacking. When I wear my clothes I am never satisfied, never complete, always seeking something that I just can't find. But when I wear the clothes of righteousness that Jesus fashioned just for me, they are perfect. Not only do they fit perfectly, I feel perfect. I become closer to Him. I become more like Him. I want to be near Him, so near that there is no distinction, like if I were to look in the mirror He would over shadow me so that all anyone could see is Him. Those are the clothes that I want to wear...that is the outfit I want for life.
So, today Lord, I ask that you block the ways of this world from my life. Clothe me Father in the precious outfit that You designed just for me and let the world only see You and Your perfect love. Let me live out Your love so that this world will see just how beautiful and wonderful and powerful and majestic and graceful and perfect You are.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

URGENT:Prayer Request

This is not my typical blog. Something happened about half an hour ago that I cannot explain other than God. I was not going to share it, but then something happened that changed that, my daughter....and your daughter...and all those crying out for help. This is what happened.

I stopped at Aldi's to grab a few items that we needed tonight. As I was getting my cart a feeling swept over me and I knew that something was about to happen and I needed to be ready, for what I did not know. As I was nearing the middle of the first aisle, the hairs on my arms literally stood at attention and I felt covered in goosebumps. I stopped. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew I needed to pay attention. Nothing. I continued down the aisle and as I got to the end I saw a woman standing to my right on her cell phone. She hurried in front of me and stood in the corner and was visibly sobbing. I felt like I needed to go to her, but I didn't. I went to the next aisle and tried to go down it. People, it was like a force beyond anything I have ever felt was pushing me back to that woman. I tried to resist, but when I went to move forward I found myself literally moving backwards. At that moment I heard her saying (or maybe the Lord just gave it to me, I don't know) but I heard her sobbing "Paul don't hurt my baby...just don't hurt my baby...where do you have her?" As I got back to the point I had passed her, she crossed in front of me again. This time she was sobbing, not crying, just like she was in a trance and sobbing. She literally walked into the vegetable bin. I left my cart and went to her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she looked up at me. I said simply "can I help you?" She let out a cry and said "it's my daughter. she is in trouble and she wants me to come get her but he won't tell me where they are, only somewhere between Arizona and New Mexico. she is so scared and he won't tell me" The Lord gave me some words for her and I spoke them to her. Then I asked her daughter's name. It is Elizabeth. I told her that I would pray for Elizabeth and that God loves her more than even a mamma's love and He is not letting go of her, He would not leave her alone. She grabbed me and just melted into tears right in the middle of the store holding on so tightly I couldn't have moved if I wanted to. About that time someone came up to her that was evidently with her and as she began to tell them about the call I slipped away.
When I left the store I noticed they were parked right in front of my van because they were standing outside the car talking. I loaded the van and got in. My daughter was watching them with a look on her face that I hadn't seen there before and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "I am confused." I asked about what. She said "I don't know. that woman looks like she is crying and something is really wrong. I don't know what i am feeling" So I told her the story.

What I am asking is that you take time right now and pray protection, love and healing upon Elizabeth.
God please hold Elizabeth so closely that she will know Your presence. Lord take Your child in Your arms and cradle her through this journey. Fill her with a peace that passes understanding and calm in the storm around her. Father please change the heart of Paul and bring about a healing for them all. Father only You know what is truly needed in this situation and to You we leave it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Glory days!

I love it when God changes my heart about something! Don't you? How about those moments when He lets you see that what you are believing is a lie? Those are great! The best part is when He can convince me to see the truth behind the lies. Most of you, when I say lies, will think of someone deliberately telling something false. But today it occurred to me that our own fear, insecurity, bad attitude, etc is used in the battle against us. We can believe whatever we like, be it good or bad. We can also convince others, even unwittingly, to buy into the lie our fear is feeding us. Let me give an example of something that happened to me this morning.
I got out of bed and went outside to check the weather. It was cloudy, drizzly and cold. I smiled. I love these days! So I got the kids ready and we headed out to begin our day. They too were enjoying this weather, and that again made me smile. However, it soon became evident that not many shared our enthusiasm. Looking out the window I saw people that were not happy. People that were rushing out of the weather not really paying attention to anything around them. Aside from the people, I saw beautiful trees and leaves falling in the breeze. I saw squirrels scampering around freely because there wasn't anyone for them to fear. I smelled the fall air rushing in the windows of my van. It was truly beautiful.
I decided to turn on the radio, only to hear "we aren't going to have the beautiful weather of yesterday, in fact, it is going to be quite dreary out there, it's a good day to just stay inside" Now, I have probably heard that a thousand times on as many different days of my life til now and it never bothered me. This morning, it bothered me.
Isn't there still beauty in a storm? Isn't there still beauty in the snow? In the rain? Wind? These are just elements. Do we really allow them to alter our outlook or our attitudes? Can something so simple really isolate us from others? The answer to that is yes. Yes, we do allow the "elements" to affect our lives in negative ways. We allow other peoples opinions to alter our opinions. After I heard this said several more times over the next half hour, I started to lose my spark and think that maybe I was just a little on the odd side. (Well, all those that know me know that I am a bit odd, but that aside...) It was then that it occurred to me that I was buying into somebody else's lie. By definition gloomy means partially or completely dark, amongst other things. So yes, it may be gloomy in that sense. But to isolate ourselves from things that we love to do or people that we could be reaching out to because it is gloomy outside .... well, I just don't see it. Don't we hold the answer to darkness? Don't we have a way to brighten not only our lives but lives of others? Isn't Jesus a light that shines through even the darkest of nights and thickest of clouds? These things, these elements in our lives (be it weather, problems, a belief that someone holds that isn't healthy) do not have to dictate how our day will go. I am so thankful for the beauty that He has placed around me. What an amazing artist He is!! The colors, the smells, the sensations! These things change with the seasons, change with the weather, but He never does! How wonderful is that! No matter the weather, the situation, the circumstances He will never change! So, how then can I look to a cloudy day and let the lie sit in my soul that today I need to hide myself away because it is "dreary" or "gloomy"....oh no....today I am going to look through that cloud and see the Light that is always shining! Today I am going to seek Him, draw nearer to Him. Today I am going to praise Him. Today I am going to thank Him for being the Light in this dark world and let my light shine as brightly for Him as I can.
Thank You, Jesus for showing me the beauty you have created and helping me to see that it is always there and there isn't a damper for Your light!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Grace amazing ....

So I was on my way to work this morning listening to Mark Schultz's new CD, which by the way is great.
But anyway, as I was driving and singing I became emotionally overwhelmed. I started talking to Dad. I hadn't planned on a chat session, but it seems as though the song "Grace Amazing" had opened up a flood from my heart to His. I received such vivid imagery and such a clear message that I began to just weep uncontrollably. I was so in this moment that it felt as though He was sitting right there with me in the car coloring me a picture so I could understand it.
You see, as this song began to play and I began to sing along, I saw a little girl playing in a beautiful field. She was skipping and making crowns out of dandelions and blowing those little flowers of fuzz. She kept looking to a ray of sun and grinning and would venture out a little at a time, keeping the ray within reach but dancing on the border. All of a sudden she was out of range of the ray and instantly felt alone, lost, frantic. She began to run crying out for someone to help, she didn't know which way she had went because as she was playing she lost her direction. She sat down on a log and prayed. She didn't pray to be found or to be rescued, she prayed that He just stay with her so she wouldn't be alone. All of a sudden the ray of light was directly on her and His voice was so clear and so gentle. It was as though she had to strain her ears to hear what was being said, but her heart knew without hearing. What He said was simple.
"I am here. I am always always here. Child it was you that ventured away from me, but I knew right where you were. You love me. You tease Me with your affection, but you rarely sit with Me. Come child, sit with Me. Talk with Me. Hear Me. Be still for I am always with you and always want you. You do not have to entertain Me. You do not have to do anything. Just come, sit, talk with Me and know that I Am."
The little girl lifted her face and it became radiant. Her countenance changed and she sat with her face to her Father....she was still with Him.

Oh Lord.....I want to be still with You. I want to be able to always hear You, pick Your voice out of all the rest. I thank You that You love me so much that You would share Your heart with me, now please help me to give all of mine to You. You are Holy! You are my savior! You are my everything! I adore You, I love You, I need You!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The questions of the day are....


This morning I was feeding myself. I woke up with such a hunger for the Lord, it was like I was just ravenous. I felt such a craving for His message, His word. So, I ran down my list of pastors that feed my soul with the truth of His grace and truth. Of these pastors, one just kept coming up more than the others. This is how I determine who to listen to today, lol. I ask and wait and He tells. Well, Pastor Aaron Escamilla was my meal for the day. I listened first to "A Character Worth Following" in which the questions I am going to address today came from. As I type, I am in the final moments of "R U Worth Following". I truly recommend listening to these, wow is all I can say. Anyway, Aaron posed two questions that have been rolling around my mind since I listened this morning. In no more than 140 letters per question, answer the following:
"What is it in a Christian's life that makes our character different from that of others?"
"What is the truth that I find hard living up to?"
Ok, wow. Those are some loaded questions, but truth be told, they are questions I have really been personally dealing with lately. What is it about the me of now versus the me of my past that is different? I mean to tell you this has come up on so many different levels in my life. He said that this was a personal answer and didn't have to be shared, and that is great because then one tends to be more honest. However, I am quite the opposite. If I share something with another, it then holds me accountable.....so, I am going to attempt this right here with you. And I challenge you to get honest with yourself and your God, and yes you can do it in private, but really dig in and try to honestly answer these questions for yourself.
Character differences: As a Christian, I think the most important characteristic I can have is to be loving. That sums up every difference that I can think of, because if I act in love I am being a Christian. It is when I love with a love that only He can provide that I see the clear difference in my life now versus my life before I became a Christian. Today, I know that I am not any better or worse than any other. God loves us all the same...no one sin is greater or less than another, sin is sin and we all sin daily. I am here to love and serve. If someone is in need, as a Christian, I should help. If someone doesn't know Jesus, I should be shining for Him in my life already to the point that they have already met Him. I am here to plant, water and nourish His garden, feed His children, promote His great love. To do these things, He has to be first in my life...the center of all that I do. My eyes should be on Him and my heart, ears, eyes and every other sense that I have to use should be trained on Him. I need to feed myself on His truths daily and this is how I then feed others. I have a simple (HA) way that I look at my life and what I am doing in it.....knowing that my children are watching my every move, are the moves I am making what I want for their lives and are they pleasing to God. If I even hesitate, then I need to stop and fix my eyes on Him and find another way.
The truth I find hardest to live up to is being patient, both with myself and others. I try, I really do, but man, I am lacking in this department. There are days that I allow outside sources in and BANG my sight is blocked! I have to dodge obstacles to get my eyes back on Him, and sometimes it takes a bit longer than other times. However, He is always there waiting on me to get it together and helps me back on track. That is our God...loving, kind, patient, generous, faithful, and I could fill up a notebook with other descriptives. Ya know, He is helping us all to be these things. We have only to trust Him and know that in His hands, we will be molded to perfectly fit the plan He has laid for us.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Meeting them where they are...

Titus 3:3-7 "For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit whom He poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."

Last night I had an experience that was pretty amazing! It wasn't amazing because I liked where I was at, I did not. In fact, quite the opposite. Let me give you a little preface to my evening.
My husband and I used to have an entertainment business. We no longer put on our own shows (concerts), but we help out others when they need extra hands. So, a couple weeks ago I received a call asking if I would be a runner. This is a person that will go purchase food, alcohol, etc for the bands at their requests. I said ok. By the end of the day I called her back and let her know that I just didn't feel comfortable with this and so my husband would take that spot. Two days later she called back and asked if I could work the door. I hesitated. Then plain as day I heard "go". So I told her I would. Keep in mind...I did not want to be a part of this show at all!!
So, I get there last night and said a little prayer before I went in. One of the other two girls I had along is also a Christian. As we were waiting for doors to open we were talking about Jesus. Ha! Got some strange looks. Oh, I had on my "Find the Way, seek the Truth, Jesus is Life" shirt. Anyway, it hit me while talking to her that I am to pray for these people. I took a moment and prayed for all those getting ready to attend this show, for those involved with the show, essentially anyone in that building that night. Instantly I knew why I was there.
As I greeted people (many of them with young children) and took their tickets, I prayed for them. Just quick little "shout outs" about little specific things that occured to me as they passed through. I just had these little nudges about things that were needed......it was amazing! Jesus filled me with a love for the unlovely!! He reminded me of a sermon that Pastor Andy gave awhile back about each person that we encounter is potentially housing Jesus Christ. Each person that we may shy away from may be housing the Holy of Holies! Maybe this is a Christian slipping. Maybe this is someone who has never been introduced to the Lord. Maybe this is someone who is on the verge of saying "Father take me...I love You...I am Yours!"
So I guess what I am saying here is that I needed a reminder that I am no better than anyone else....He is the Father to all, some are just in denial. So, I need to treat each of these people as He would. I may not agree with the lifestyle, the clothing, the language......but He says to love! Not love the lovely...not love the cute and friendly...not love the clean....just love! If He met me right where I was, won't He do the same for anyone else who opens their heart to Him?!

1 Timothy 2:1 "First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people,"

Lord please keep my mind open and my heart ready to love all of your people, both those that already know you and those You are waiting for!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Golden Heart Award

Wow...to open up an email and receive this was so overwhelming to me. I didn't know about this award and I have been blogging for quite awhile now. But let me tell you a bit about the person that sent it to me....Christy Rose. I met Christy not too long ago and have quickly fallen for her. She has a heart for the Lord that is just relentless. On my lowest days, I can read her blog and see Him right there. Please, don't take my word for it, visit yourself at http://www.thesecretlifeofanamericanwifeandmom.blogspot.com
You know, I think the reason that I got so excited about this was that now I can share 5 other blogs with you that just blow me away....5 other women who have such a love for Jesus that just pull me so much closer to Him when I read their words of inspiration and love! So, in no particular order I am going to share with you 5 amazing blogs to check out.
Kellie, my dear friend, I have known you for the majority of my life. I have seen such amazing growth in you!! You are truly an inspiration to me! I see the love that you so freely share, the simplicity in which you share His love with others. I love you as if you were really my sister and I am sooooo thankful that He once again put us on the same path!
Traci, I have still to meet you in real life, though my daughter thinks you are super! Reading your blogs, I would have to agree with her. Over the last year I have read about your personal struggles, accomplishments, and family happenings. I have witnessed young people that I know and love blossom under your leadership. Even at the hardest moments, you hold tight to Jesus and know that He has it all under control. I so admire you and your strength in the Lord.
J...you are simply beautiful!!! From the inside that is so full of His love to the beautiful smile you shine for us all to see. You are another that I have not met in real life, but I have been so blessed by you! You have touched my heart so deeply in the way that you express your love for your Lord and your family! You have two very blessed little girls.....S~ is going to make an amazing, loving big sister!! Thank you for all the comments you have sent my way....they have fallen on a thankful heart! You truly are God's Girl!
Sarah, I just added you today but I must tell you that I am amazed by you!! I just couldn't stop reading. My heart has been on missions for a little while now and I am praying for clarity. I am in awe of His grace and beauty all over you!!!!! Thank you for what you do!!!
Miss Rachel....oh, lil' one you make me cry routinely!! When I read the words you put down they take me straight to His feet. You make me cry out for more of Him!! You make me so thankful and so hopeful!! He is moving in you and I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see what He has in store for you!!!!! I am just so blessed to have met you and now I can sit back and watch in awe as He shapes your life!!!!
These are just 5 of the amazing author's that I follow......there are many more. Please check my profile and be entertained, enlighted, and inspired by all of these beautiful people!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

something wonderful

You know, there are days that can be so overwhelming. Days when I feel so overworked, stressed, irritated, and the list could go on. On days like these I would go to bed just feelin yuck prayin for a better day tomorrow.
It "came" to me a month or so ago that His beauty is all around me everyday. His fingerprints are all over the place if only I would look to see them. Sometimes what seems as though it isn't going to turn out just right has an effect on me that is unexplainable. So I prayed He show me how to become more intentional....prayed He help me stop overlooking His beauty in an ordinary moment, a moment that seemingly has no purpose.
His answer was "I am there. Seek me. Find me."
So....I do! Everyday I wake up and ask Him to let me see His beauty in today. Let me see even one thing that is just so wonderful my heart sings out to Him because it overwhelms me with His love and grace and beauty.
I have shared this thought with a couple people and each day ask...."what was your something wonderful today?" I love to hear the answers! I love to see that light come on when the response pulls them closer to Him.
So....today I want to challenge you to look for something wonderful! I would love it if you sent me a message to share, but even if not, I still want to challenge you. Better yet, for the next seven days really and truly at beginning of your day be intentional and ask Him to show you something wonderful that you have not before noticed!!
Happy hunting!!!!

He can turn nothing into something...

I am so excited this morning! I had the most amazing dream! I know some of you are saying, "here she goes with those crazy dreams again"....lol....but when I have some of these dreams I just have to put them down in words and if they are that important to me, then why not share them with you. Too, I remember very little of this but what I remember is so profound to me that I have to see if "speaking it" brings any more back. So, here goes......

I had a friend and she kept getting ill. She refused medical treatment over and over. I couldn't physically go to her, so I would sit on the computer for hours with her just feeding her the Word of God and telling her how much Jesus loves her and wants her for His own. She fought me on it so hard at first! Then she came to a point that she started asking me questions. "How can you be so convinced that He is?" "How can you believe that He loves you like that?" "How can you possibly believe that He will forgive all that I have done?" "Even if I say ok and believe it doesn't erase my past, it doesn't erase what I have done, it doesn't wipe out what has been done to me." and so the list goes on. These questions continued for a spell. I prayed on each answer. I begged for Him to just speak to her right through me so that none of me was present and she only saw Him and His love for her.
One morning I received a phone call. It was this friend. She said "It is time. I don't know if I am going to make it. If you will, could you come take me to the clinic?" I rushed right over and took her to the clinic. We got there and they rushed her in. I wasn't able to be with her from that point and they wouldn't give me any information on her, just told me to have a seat and wait.
So, I was in the lobby and someone came out and called my name and I went with her. She told me that the results were in on my test. I told her that there was a mistake, I hadn't taken a test I was here waiting on a friend. She smiled and touched my hand and said "Honey, you are safe with me. We can be honest here, I know it isn't your friend you are waiting for. I know it isn't your friend that had this test done. The results are wonderful...honey, you are pregnant" At this I laughed and said "See, that proves that it isn't me. I had a hysterectomy when I was 25. I cannot have children." She looked strangely at me and asked if we could take the test again. I, of course, said yes so that I could prove myself.
I went back to the lobby to wait and while there I spoke to a few people about the love of Jesus and prayed with them for their healing. They smiled, hugged me and walked out of the clinic without any further words. The lady that tested me came back and called me and we went back to the office again and she had a funny look on her face and said "honey, you are pregnant." I again said it is impossible...I have no uterus....I cannot be pregnant! So she called in a doctor who did a physical exam and he said "Sweetheart, it is a positive result. Your uterus is intact and you are most definitely pregnant"
I got up and left the office in a daze. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't understand what he was saying or why or how it could even be remotely possible. The doorway to exit passed into a tunnel. I stopped in the center of the tunnel, it was dark and I could see nothing. I knelt right where I was at and cried out to Jesus. I begged him to explain this to me. I was in disbelief and quite frankly afraid. All of a sudden there was a beam of light shining through the top of the tunnel landing on my head and I felt perfect. I mean, I have never felt so perfect ... there was nothing wrong, nothing out of place...I felt perfect and full of love. I looked up into the light and there was a dove and then it fluttered upward out of an opening, but the light stayed. A voice filled me up...it wasn't like a voice heard in the tunnel, it literally filled me up in a way I cannot even describe. He said to me "My child you speak of me with such love and conviction to others, yet you sometimes doubt your own worth. Do you not know how much I love you. Do you not know your worth. You are with child. The child of My Word. The child of My love. The child you have always wanted to be. This child won't be born unto you. You are filled with the Holy Spirit. You have been made whole, made perfect again and you belong to me. I am in you and you are in Me. You see my child, I can make something out of nothing but you didn't take that for yourself. I can make something out of nothing and you are something."

Then I woke up......oh my goodness!!!!.....I cannot explain to you the feeling I am in right at this moment....I am in awe of Him....I am so in love with Him.....I am way overwhelmed right now!
Right before putting this down, I read a beautiful woman's blog.....in her blog she said "He can make something out of nothing"..............

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

His beauty around me

Sunday was an amazing day. Jeff and I went to church together--that is praise number one! I can't even describe how it feels to finally sit next to my husband in church. Overwhelming emotions there. But we are standing during praise and worship and I looked down into the lower sanctuary and was just overwhelmed. There were so many young people lifting their hands to the Lord..singing His praise...loving Him so openly that it just grabbed me by the heart. I was so overwhelmed with love and gratitude. It literally brought me to tears.
Then sermon started. Wow. Ok, Pastor had us write on a blank piece of paper anything that we feel is holding us down, anything making us feel as though we do not belong in the presence of God. Then, we were to go to a paper shredder nearby and shred the paper. Simple right.......TRY IT! wow! I asked the Lord to just pour out my insecurities, my doubts, my fears onto this sheet of paper like I wasn't in the equation. Lord, show me what is keeping me from being closer to You...show me what I am letting stand in the way of my love for You. He did! I put on paper each thought exactly as it came to me until I knew that was the end of it. I quietly stood and prayed myself over to the shredder and I kid you not, as that paper began to shred I began to cry. But it was happiness...freedom...love...joy...these things I wrote are things that were hidden inside that didn't show themselves often. They were just little bits of poison stored here and there in just the right spots to keep me sick! To keep me from feeling I was free...to stand in the way of being so many things. Now they are gone! The Lord revealed them, I acknowledged them, Father will never look at them again!!!! It really is that simple! I think it is the acknowledgement that was so important for me. When I am hiding from myself, how can I be honest with Him. What I realized there isn't anything that I can hide from Him....He revealed these things to me so that I would be free of them, it wasn't me revealing anything to Him.....how did I miss that all those times before?! When we ask, He answers....but we have to listen!
So, after service we headed to Starved Rock for the blessing of the bikes. Now, I have to tell you that one of the biggest reasons I love to ride is that while I am on that bike it is me and my Father..I have no interuptions...no music...no voices...no distractions...it is just His beauty all around me and a direct connect conversation going on and it is the most amazing thing to me. So we are riding along and I am just praising Him and thanking Him and offering all my love to Him when He says to me "stop trying and just rest in me!" stop trying? I wasn't sure what I was trying cuz truly at that moment it was all about the worship....but He wasn't answering "to" that moment. He was answering "in" that moment because that is when I tuned in and allowed Him to have my attention. Once that hit me I just wanted to cry! I want to always tune in...I want Him to always know that I am ready for Him....so I need to slow it down....I need to stop trying and just rest in Him....how simple is that really, but wow to apply it!
Father keep in the center of your will for me and keep my hands still in Your works. Let only Your love and Your wisdom and Your grace flow through my life so that others may see You and know Your love. Holy Spirit stay with me and help me help others come to know and understand how perfect Your love is!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A little selfishness maybe.....maybe not....


This is a link to Elevate Church in Morton, IL. Sunday they had a guest speaker, Pastor Aaron Escamilla from Texas. All I can say is wow! Wow, Aaron! I shouldn't be surprised because I have yet to hear this Pastor speak that it hasn't moved me. When I say this, I am not just talking about emotion. Pastor Aaron delivers the message in such a way that it is evident beyond any doubt that his Father speaks through him.
So, as I am listening to this message I just began to cry. I began to realize that over the last month or so I have become this person that I have prayed and prayed to never be again....this person who is selfish. You see, my husband and I are raising our grandchildren. I know that I am blessed beyond reason for this opportunity...and I love these boys like there is no tomorrow. But......there are days that I ask myself why. Why can't I just drop what I am doing and go do what I want when I want to? Lord, haven't I raised all my children and earned my "free" time. Lord, why is it that each time I want something for me--a new pair of shoes, for example--one of the kids need something and I can't let them go without, but dang...I just want.........blahblahblah....Even if these questions are few and far between, I don't want to have them at all. He has blessed me with these children. I love these children. I love my life with these children. But it doesn't stop there.......
It is the other selfish things as well......why is it that I am the only one that hears the baby cry at night....why is it that the trash has been full half the afternoon and is still sitting in the can when I finally take it out.....why is it that when I ask for help, I have to ask several times before I can finally get it.......do you see what I mean?! Some may say we all have days like this....some may say it is ok to expect help when you ask for it..........But......
Jesus didn't. He gave everything for nothing! He did everything with no expectation! He loved the unlovable! He touched the untouchable! He never complained! He never expected a thank you or a helping hand!
I hadn't seen that I had gotten to this point. I knew that my mood has been off lately. I knew that I had "wanted" for more than I remember myself wanting before. I know that I have been short with the kids lately......I just chalked it up to being tired, or not feeling well. NO, that isn't it....I have been being selfish! I have reverted to the selfish Kim that isn't getting her way and throws a fit....be it out loud or in my head.
Don't get me wrong....I know we all have "moments"....I know that I am allowed to want something for myself.......BUT....I do not want these moments.....I do not want to want for me.
Jesus, take this selfishness and replace it with your grace that I may shine for you into a world that is so dark. Let me think of others and how You would react to them, how You would handle a situation, what You would desire. Father show me what it is that I can do to show more people to You and let me live a life that not only leads them to You, but glorifies You in the process!

Psalm 119:36-37 ESV "Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What a revelation!

song of solomon 4:12-15
acts 9:32-34

Tonight I had an amazing experience! I was invited to be prophesied over. I have never had a prophetic word, but I have wanted one for a long time. So, when I received the invitation I jumped at the chance.
I have to tell you I was so nervous. I actually asked, "Has there been a time where no word has come?" I truly thought I could be the first. Seriously, I had no idea what to expect.
I have to say that I did not know this group of people...they did not know me. They knew my name....and when I walked into the room, they knew what I looked like and that was the extent of our introduction. But.....He knows me....He drew me out....He unlocked so many things tonight and released chains that had a hold on me that I just couldn't break. I cried....I cried some more....my God loves me....He knows me....He wants more of me!!
I was given words that only I could put in place, but knew right where they went....I was released from a prison that I created around myself because of certain circumstances that life has dealt me...I was released from lies that the devil has fed me.....My God knows me!!loves me!!cherishes me!!desires me!!wants more of me!!feels over me!!
Seriously, there is no way that this group of people could ever have guessed at the things that were coming at me....there is no way that any one of them could have reached into a grabbag and drew out specifics that I had only shared with God....questions that I had not ever spoken aloud.....
Then to top it off...all the way home were songs to reaffirm what I was being told.....I sobbed all the way home and let Spirit take me over......let Him cleanse me, heal me, touch those places that I had long forgotten about.
"I am Yours, You are mine and I will worship You alone!!" Thank You, Father for loving me so much that You presented me this opportunity to get intimate with You. Thank You for these wonderful souls that love you so much that they allow you to flow through them to reach others, like me. Thank You Father for reminding me just how much You mean to me and giving me that nudge to keep my eyes on You always and stop listening to the lies of the enemy and stop comparing myself to others Lord because You wrote my story....and to You I belong!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Because of Jesus...

I can make it through today. Because of Jesus, I have a hope for tomorrow irregardless of today and what it may hold.
The last day or two have been full of unexpected happenings...life. My husband's company has decided that it would be "nice" and not do full blown layoffs, so they are graciously allowing everyone to work every other week for a 24-32 hour week. This is just enough to not be able to claim unemployment, or any other helps. We get this information in the morning and the same afternoon, find some things out about my company.
I am going to be honest and say that even one year ago even one of these situations would have been a devistation to me. I would have sat down, given up and had no idea what to do next. All the "what ifs" and "what are we gonna do's" would have completely taken me over.
Today, I am sitting here knowing that God is going to bring something good from this. I may not end up with all that I "want" right now, but I will have what I need. I may not know where the next meal is coming from, but He does. I may not know if I can walk another mile in this, but He is there to lead the way. That is what He promised me, and I believe Him. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says "God's plan is to prosper me and not to harm me. He gives me hope for my future." This means that there is a future! This means that He has something more planned for my life, something I can rely on. And in Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,whom he has given us." There is hope...there is a future...there will be a tomorrow and He will be the orchestrator!
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know Who holds it....I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I know Who will deliver it....I have no idea who will be in my tomorrow, but I know He will be! Hallelujah!! So, knowing that....all I can do is smile and say "Bring it on, Lord! I am ready for your next move! Move me, Father! Use me! Give me a revelation and show me what to do..........."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Joy vs happiness...

So, quite a bit lately I have been getting asked how it is that I can stay happy when bad things happen....how is it that I don't let these situations overtake me. I have tried to explain that I put my trust in Jesus, He is a great provider and I trust that this will never change. But this afternoon my new study bible was delivered, and as I was thumbing through it I stopped in Philippians. I began to read the description page and there it was!

"In contrast to happiness stands joy. Running deeper and stronger, joy is the quiet, confident assurance of God's love and work in our lives--that He will be there no matter what! Happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ."

Now, who better than Paul to exemplify this?! Here stood a man condemned and confined for his faith in and service to Jesus; yet he was joyful! Listen to this--Philippians 3:8-10 "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death,"

Wow!! No matter his accomplishments, his relationship with Christ was the most important thing! The law condemned him...his faith in Jesus Christ redeemed him! Paul was joyful despite his confinement! Doesn't say he was happy...it is saying he was joyful.....he was righteous!

I am righteous, you are righteous because Christ Jesus gave His life and blood to cover our sin! Hear that?! WE ARE RIGHTEOUS NOT BY ANTHING WE HAVE DONE OR WILL EVER DO....WE ARE RIGHTEOUS BECAUSE OF WHAT JESUS DID FOR US ON THE CROSS! Well, how then can I not be joyful! No matter my situation, Christ has it covered...again, no matter the situation, I am covered by grace! I am righteous! How can I not be joyful!? Don't have to be happy about the situation, but I know that my God has me and He is a great provider, I will get what I need.

Philippians 2:13 says "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." He works IN us....because He dwells IN us....we have the power of the Holy Spirit within our shell!!! We don't have to go searching for Him, He is right there! He is right there!

Anyway....that is my explanation. I could keep going, but long and short of it is that the power of Jesus Christ is in me....I am covered by His grace....He fills me with joy....nothing can compare to that, nothing can take that away.....no matter the circumstance He is in me and who could ask for anything more?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

His overwhelming love....

I just have to share with you my heart right now. I have been praying over several weeks for God to just reveal to me His love for us......give me Your eyes, Lord.....give me Your hands, Lord.....give me Your heart, Lord........wow! All I can say is when you ask for something be prepared for the return!
So much emotion has been tied up in this request. I have spent the majority of this time in tears....humbled, wanting, hurting, loving, begging.......let me explain.....
He has humbled me .... brought me to my knees before Him so that He can empty me of what is not desirable.....He has convicted me on levels I didn't know where even there. My Lord, my Father is reshaping this heart of mine in response to my request....He has moved in, and did a long time ago but I didn't get the full extent of that.....HE WANTS ALL OF ME...THERE ISN'T ROOM FOR THE WORLD IN THIS HEART OF HIS!!!!!
I am so full of "want"....I want to be closer to Him, I can't get close enough. It is like every fiber of my being is stretched so far upward that I feel at times as though none of me is grounded. I just keep reaching higher and higher and wanting more and more of Him.......everything I see, everything I feel, everything around me keeps bringing me back to Him and His greatness and His glory. I am sooooo full of my desire for Him that I feel as though my flesh could just blow out at any time because there just isn't enough room to contain Him!
I have been hurting....on two levels. You see, He has revealed to me some things in my own nature that needed to be taken care of and given to Him to remold. Some of these things were such a part of who I had become that it really hurt to shed. By this I mean that I had to really look at some things in my life that I have said and done to hurt others and to intensify that, He reminded me that these, too, were His children. wow! I can't tell you how that affected my heart. The other level to this is that in asking for His heart, my level of "feeling" was amplified to the point that I cannot contain what I feel. When I see a hurting soul, my whole being aches and I cry out for them...and I don't necessarily "know" that these are hurting souls...some have looked outwardly great, but inside of me ached and saw past the outward and really just started feeling such pain. When I see a love, my whole being wants to explode from shear happiness and love, but it is so intense that it really, really hurts.....like my human heart just cannot contain that level of happiness....or that level of pain.....
I have been able to love those that to me, in my mind, weren't options in my life......oh, silly girl.....as I have been reminded by many lately speaking His truth, each person that I see has the potential for Jesus to be living inside that body!!!! Hello....do you get that??? Your boss at work that pushes your every button could potentially house the Holy of Holies!!!! Now.....how could my view not change.....how could I possibly ignore this?! I can't!
The begging is also two fold....as much as I feel overwhelmed by all of this.....I STILL WANT MORE....I STILL WANT CLOSER....I AM STILL BEGGING FOR HIS HEART, HIS HANDS, HIS EYES........ahhhhh....I just want to know Him beyond my human understanding...I want everyone who looks at me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is alive and He wants to be known by all, He wants your heart!! your life!! He wants to be your everything!!!
I never thought that someone such as myself could be so loved....so cherished....so adored....but my Jesus loves me that much, cherishes every thing about me, adores me beyond any reason....and He does you too.....
Romans 12:2
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind and therefore prove what is the will of God."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Whooda thunk it!

Wow!!! I am still in the process of moving....it is a nightmare!! But it is so refreshing ... so cleansing! I have been able to part with things that I have absolutely not let go of for YEARS.....AND SO HAS MY HUSBAND, and if you know him you know how huge that is! I have taken several van loads for donation...had a truck come to pick up the larger furniture and appliances that we donated and still I don't have enough space...lol...and I LOVE IT!!!! I am so not going to be able to hold on to useless clutter or allow myself the notion that an object is that important. I simply don't have the space for it! I am so grateful that God had already been at work in me doin some cleanin of His own or this coulda been much harder....lol! So, anyway.....the downsized version of my house is pretty much the summation of my new life......if it isn't absolutely necessary, then it isn't necessary. Sounds simple, I know, but when you put it to the test it isn't so much so. I hold on to weird stuff....well, held onto weird stuff....I am shedding....that's it, I am shedding.......shedding the hold of the past on my life, shedding grudges/pains/whatever else that could hold me down, shedding weight, shedding this world to the best of my ability.....this is only my temporary station, so why hold on....keep it simple....keep it Godly....give it if I got it and if I don't have I surely don't need it that badly......anyway......lighter year for me this one will be :)

crazy dream

So, I had a dream....funny that should be what brings me back to my writing.....

So, last night I had a dream. It was very real to me. It was in different scenes...like a play, only no curtains closed. I won't go into the details, because I really don't see that it would do much, other than color my message.
In each scene, there was a person from my past. Each of these people were people that had deeply hurt me....be it physically or mentally. Each of these people were in a situation in which he/she was a victim of some sort.....in a lot of pain either emotionally or physically, down on his/her luck, homeless, etc. But each was struggling. In each situation, I just happened to meet up with these people. In each of these situations, I stopped and took the time to speak to and help out each of these people. Each time I had done all I could do and moved on from that person, the scene ended with me sitting at a stream holding a little bag with a fish in it. Each time the fish had the face of the person I had just helped out and I would release it back into the stream. Then the next situation would arrive....the same thing again....I would help that person out and then would be at the stream.
The last person that I helped out was my ex-husband. This one I will tell because it was so powerful.
I was on my way to the store. There was a group of homeless men standing in front of a building. I saw that he was one of those men, but he kept hiding away...he didn't want me to see him. I didn't go away, instead I went right up to him. He tried to get me to leave him alone, said he wasn't worth the help and definitely not from me. I explained to him that it wasn't me that was helping him, I was only doing as the Lord instructed me to do. He had put us in this situation for a reason and I was not to question but obey. I told him to get in the car. I took him home to my house and made him clean himself up. I fed him and showed him to a cot in a room that I didn't even know I had...but there it was. It held a cot, a small dresser and a lampstand. On the lampstand was a Bible. I told him to rest...and if he couldn't then maybe he should read a little. My husband came home from work and I told him what had happened and he said "Well, I wouldn't have expected anything else of you. Where is he?" I told him. He simply said "ok" and we went on with our evening as though nothing strange was going on. The following morning, I went to wake the ex and give him a meal.....I walked into the room and he was reading. He began to ask me questions and I answered as best I could and showed him in the Bible as I did so. I didn't see him for a couple days and then all of a sudden there he was again. Only this time he had a Bible tucked under his arm, he was clean shaven and was ok. He said he knew what he had to do...thanked me for forgiving him and helping him out and he left. I went to the room to clean it up but it wasn't there. This time, I didn't end up at the stream. This time I was in a room before a judge...only I couldn't see the person speaking to me. I was asked some questions and I answered them as truthfully as I could. He asked me why I had helped these people and I told Him that it wasn't up to me if I was to help them, I was told to do so and so I did. He said to me "go...you are a fisher of men and must simply obey...in helping them your own pain has been released...now you have more to give....now you are ready.... go and obey...."
I woke up and all that kept going through my head was this last statement......wow......I am still sitting here this realm of disbelief.....I tried to dig out the pain of a couple of these situations, and there isn't any....I mean the situations are still there, I remember the pain but it isn't like it was even yesterday.....I would just think of one of these people and all the hurts were wrapped all around me.....this morning, it feels as though it is armour and not pain.....I don't know how else to explain it.....it is as though it was just all washed away and now I can pull it up and speak of it and it doesn't pull me in....wow......that is all I can say is wow.....