Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A little selfishness maybe.....maybe not....


This is a link to Elevate Church in Morton, IL. Sunday they had a guest speaker, Pastor Aaron Escamilla from Texas. All I can say is wow! Wow, Aaron! I shouldn't be surprised because I have yet to hear this Pastor speak that it hasn't moved me. When I say this, I am not just talking about emotion. Pastor Aaron delivers the message in such a way that it is evident beyond any doubt that his Father speaks through him.
So, as I am listening to this message I just began to cry. I began to realize that over the last month or so I have become this person that I have prayed and prayed to never be again....this person who is selfish. You see, my husband and I are raising our grandchildren. I know that I am blessed beyond reason for this opportunity...and I love these boys like there is no tomorrow. But......there are days that I ask myself why. Why can't I just drop what I am doing and go do what I want when I want to? Lord, haven't I raised all my children and earned my "free" time. Lord, why is it that each time I want something for me--a new pair of shoes, for example--one of the kids need something and I can't let them go without, but dang...I just want.........blahblahblah....Even if these questions are few and far between, I don't want to have them at all. He has blessed me with these children. I love these children. I love my life with these children. But it doesn't stop there.......
It is the other selfish things as well......why is it that I am the only one that hears the baby cry at night....why is it that the trash has been full half the afternoon and is still sitting in the can when I finally take it out.....why is it that when I ask for help, I have to ask several times before I can finally get it.......do you see what I mean?! Some may say we all have days like this....some may say it is ok to expect help when you ask for it..........But......
Jesus didn't. He gave everything for nothing! He did everything with no expectation! He loved the unlovable! He touched the untouchable! He never complained! He never expected a thank you or a helping hand!
I hadn't seen that I had gotten to this point. I knew that my mood has been off lately. I knew that I had "wanted" for more than I remember myself wanting before. I know that I have been short with the kids lately......I just chalked it up to being tired, or not feeling well. NO, that isn't it....I have been being selfish! I have reverted to the selfish Kim that isn't getting her way and throws a fit....be it out loud or in my head.
Don't get me wrong....I know we all have "moments"....I know that I am allowed to want something for myself.......BUT....I do not want these moments.....I do not want to want for me.
Jesus, take this selfishness and replace it with your grace that I may shine for you into a world that is so dark. Let me think of others and how You would react to them, how You would handle a situation, what You would desire. Father show me what it is that I can do to show more people to You and let me live a life that not only leads them to You, but glorifies You in the process!

Psalm 119:36-37 ESV "Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways."