Friday, October 31, 2008

my life song...

What is your life singing?
My have heard this particular song a thousand or more times, but never did it strike me like it did today. My lifesong.....I have a lifesong. I never would have termed it as such, but really it is. Each day a new verse ... a new opportunity to sing the love in my heart to my Father.
So, if at the end of the day I had to write a summary and sign my name to it of the things I had done, what would it say about me? Would I be ashamed to show it to my family? Would I be afraid to present it to my Lord? Would I want to sing it out loud for the world to hear?
This really makes me stop and think. My day is spent, in most part, with an infant and a toddler. They aren't gonna tell stories about Gram to people, but they are certain to imitate my behavior....repeat certain phrases....mimick me innocently with no harm intended. How much they learn by watching and listening....some times the words aren't even the issue....sometimes the actions speak so loudly that no words are even needed.
And then you have the teens.....oh boy, the teens! How do they handle conflict? Do they step up and help others when they see a soul in need? Do they sacrifice? Do they love? How have they interpreted my song? Have I showed that Jesus is the most important person in my life, and the one I do it all for? Am I seeing Him in their lives?
Wow....see what I am saying here?! I have to really now sit and evaluate my lifesong. I know that I am human and I know that I will make mistakes. I also know that if I live the song that I want to sing, I won't have to worry about how I am interpreted because all that will be seen of my actions will be my Father's fingerprints. If my actions reflect my heart, my God, I can sing out loud knowing that what I sing will be of love.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I want superman strength....

"Logic will question and receive many answers. Faith will ask no questions and receive only one answer. Logic will flow forever and ever and ever but faith will flow up and up and up. Logic will sap your strength. Faith will give you superman strength!" Thank you to my new friend Jerry for this! This paragraph really stuck in my craw this morning.....especially the last two sentences. "Logic will sap your strength. Faith will give you superman strength" How powerful and oh how true!

It has been an unusual week for me with a lot of changes that weren't expected. I have had some let downs...heartbreaking let downs. I have had some enlightened moments, too. Balance.....but, I have allowed myself to step off the normal routine and in doing so have stopped "listening" as closely. I have found myself trying to "reason" not only with myself, but with God, too. So, yesterday, I cleaned out my "ears"....I spent most of my day in praise and worshipped my Lord. I sang all day.....just me and the grandbabies. We sang and we danced and we talked to Jesus. It was so beautiful and such an inspiration. Two things stuck out to me yesterday....both from artist Matthew West. The first that struck my heart was "Your life is a song that you sing and the whole wide world is listening...." The second "keep me in the center of your will for me".
If the whole world is listening to my song....what I am I telling them??! Am I telling them one thing while doing another? It has felt that way this week. I say to trust God and walk in faith....yet this week I have tried to barter with God....I have tried to change His mind for my betterment.....silly girl! So to hear the words "keep me in the center of your will for me"......well, that humbled me quickly. Then I had to apologize....then I had to get back to my place at His feet so that I could receive my lesson and direction. Oh what a glorious place! I don't ever want to give up that position!!

So, that being said....I realized that I was trying to live "logically" and that wasn't working for me....praise God. Human logic is an awful place to live, it requires entirely too much work on my part only to come up short in the end and have to start all other words, it is never ending and I am always tired with no real answer. I need to stay faithful and just listen to my Dad when he tells me what to do....He will never put me where He won't protect me...He will never leave me to handle what He won't walk me through!

Thank You, Lord, for all that you have given me. Thank You for allowing me to prove to myself that I need You, even when I think I have it all under control.

Monday, October 20, 2008

challenging her young mind...and mine, too!

So, I started reading this book a few days ago and it dawned on me that I want to read this with my 14 year old (for another week!)and challenge not only myself, but her as well.
We started reading WWJD In His Steps by Charles M Sheldon. We read the first chapter together tonight. If any of you have read this.....or want to read with us....we are doing a chapter a day. We are doing the whole reading out loud thing...which I haven't sat down and done with her in years. I enjoyed it. Maybe she can do the reading sometimes, too.
Here is the challenge.....beginning tonight we pray for His guidance and wisdom in everything we do.....we think carefully before we speak.....we evaluate what is important and what is essence, before we respond/react, we will stop and ask ourselves what Jesus would do. If that means stepping out of our box, well....we will just have to do that. We start tomorrow and for 6 months we will do this.
I am excited....I feel challenged....I know that my life will change drastically, and I am hoping that hers will as well.
Anyway......anyone that wants to join, let me know.......that is an invitation to the book and the challenge-----or more importantly the challenge itself!! Imagine how much our lives can change and how much glory we can bring to God if we ask ourselves this little's only 6 can do it!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

oh my gosh....

I got it.....I wrote it....I read it....I got it........oh my gosh!!!

Since I shared the dream...I feel compelled to share my interpretation....hope you don't mind.....

"I was in a large field...
this field was my life. My life was full of people that I really didn't know or care much about, nor did they know or care much about me. I didn't let anyone see the real me, "the building in the center." People came into and out of my life on many levels, just passing through.

"All of a sudden I heard an infant crying...
That was soul crying out...I realized that my life was empty. I realized that there was something so great that was missing from my life. I knew I had to shed the life I was living before it shed me.
"I took off running.....
I ran away from that life and didn't let anything stop me...I didn't let anything get in my way. The moment that switch flipped, I ran to the Lord and I ran so fast and so hard and cried out to Him for healing and love and happiness...and let out everything to Him that I held so deep inside for so long!
"I searched room to room.....
I had compartmentalized the people in my life....some were allowed to see this "part" of me...some this other "part", but nobody could see all of me.........hence, the children in each room with one worker and still feeling no love....My soul was screaming for something but I hurt so bad inside that I made no sound to another for fear of rejection or having to look at where the pain was really coming from....
"Finally a female nurse...
I trusted no other woman! To me, women were my enemy. Another woman in my life meant that they wanted my man...or were there to make me look bad, because in my eyes there wasn't any other woman that wasn't better in some way or another than me....they were skinnier, prettier, more attentive, more likable, cooked better, etc.
"Then appeared a man....
God heard my cries!!!! God came to my side and said follow me to this room....this room being my heart. I went on the porch to find air and God.....when I froze, He was there and said again...follow me.
"We arrived at the childs room...
We entered my heart!! I felt as though I was unsavable! I felt as though I was slipping from myself and everything that did matter to me was being sucked out of me.
"I went to the sink to wash my hands...
I wanted cleansed!! I wanted Him to make me clean and take the horrible out of me.
"I turned on the water...
I was baptized!!!! My Lord grabbed me up from the pipes of despair...My Daddy held me in His arms, not at all minding that I was still slippery and wet---still new to Him! He would not let me go.....My Father let me cling to Him so tightly that I knew He would never let me go.....
"I won't be coming back. This child is well in your arms and you in His."
My God told me that He will forever hold me in His arms and I will no longer have to be alone!!!!!! I will no longer feel unwanted or unloved!!!! I will no longer have to search for approval, He approves. I will no longer feel ugly, He thinks I am beautiful. I will no longer feel useless, He has a job for me!
"my heart was overflowing with love...
He had filled me up! Now I am seeing others in need and trying to bring them to Him...trying to show others that with the love of their Father, all is possible! Without Him, we are children with no real parentage.

Wow!!! I am overwhelmed right now and am so full of love and amazement at my Father's strength and tenderness!! This is much more descriptive, I just had to give you the basics because even the basics scream how amazing our Father is and how powerful and how He can look at our soul to see where we are hurting or struggling and give us a means to see it for what it is and fix it! I love you, Jesus!!

I had a dream...

Ok, so I had a very vivid dream last night that I actually felt compelled to wake up and write down so I wouldn't forget it. I am really overwhelmed with emotion from this dream....many emotions....and so, I think that is just going to be my blog of the day. I welcome any and all comments, opinions, etc as to ideas of it's meaning.............

"He was born to nothing and nobody knew his parentage" was the immediate thought I had as I woke from the following dream.

I was in a large field, no flowers or grass, just a large lot/field full of dirt and people and cars and motorcycles. There were groups of people milling around all over and there were sporadic fights breaking out here and there. There was a mid-size building in the center of all this commotion, but nobody was near it and there didn't seem to be any activity inside of it. There were windows, but there was no movement visible from the outside. There were little blow up huts all around the building that served as "party huts" with various people in and out all the time.

I was sitting on a car hood....there were some others around me, but nobody was with me. I seemed to know everyone there and they knew me, but none of us really cared if the other was there or not.

All of a sudden I heard an infant was soooo loud and soulfull.....I felt instantly the pain, fear and lonliness in this cry. I took off running toward the building...people were yelling as I passed that they had never seen a person run so quickly. I could feel the tears stinging my cheeks as my hair stuck to my face with the wind hitting me as I least, it felt like I was flying....I just had to get to this child.
I ran in the door to the building and continued to follow the sound of the cry. I came to a floor and the cry stopped, but I knew I was there. I searched room to room as I wondered from hall to hall. In every room was a child with one parent, no love, no life.....just a child alone in a bed and crying with no sound. Some saw me and their eyes just pierced my soul, but I had to keep searching til I found the baby.
Finally a female nurse with one of the children told me that I had to leave. I told her that I could not do that, I had to find this child. She said that no one knows of this child. More female nurses came around and they were telling me that even if they did know of this child they wouldn't be able to help me due to confidentiality laws. Then appeared a man...I assumed him to be a doctor. He said to the nurses that he would take it from there and he told me that they do not have a name for the child, nor do they know from where the child came. The only information they have is that there is a man that claims some responsibility and his name is John, but nobody has been able to reach him as they do not have a last name. He said he would allow me to see the child, but I would have to wait with the others in the room. He escorted me into a very small waiting area. There were a handful of people. When we walked into the room, he looked at one young lady and told her that she was pregnant. She immediately got up and left the room. One by one he led the others in to see the child. There was another woman and myself left, so I went out onto the balcony to wait. I needed air...I needed God. The people outside were totally oblivious to what was happening in these walls. It was as if this building was invisible to anyone else. I heard a noise and looked down and one of the party hut people was stumbling to the doorway of the building while leaving a trail of vomit. I tried to move, or say something, but I was frozen. After what only seemed like a few moments, the man came and told me it was my turn. As we walked to the child's room, it impressed me that this man was very powerful and that he was very tenderhearted. He was clean cut, but rugged looking. His eyes were overwhelmingly blue and very though I could see through to my own soul through his eyes. I felt as though in his presence nothing bad could happen.
We arrived at the child's room and all of a sudden I could hear his crys again....desperately attempting to get anyone's love and attention. We walked into the room and there was a sink. I went to the sink to wash my hands before going to the child. I turned on the water and began to wet my hands. I looked down and there was the baby spiraling down the drain pipe. The only thing in the sink was one arm and his I grabbed him by the arm and began pulling him. The doctor shut off the water and the baby popped out into my arms. His crying stopped instantly....he was so slippery that I was having trouble holding him, but his grip was sooo strong that I could have let go of him and he would not have fallen. It was then that I looked over to the doctor and asked him how long I had with this child. He looked at me and smiled and said," I won't be coming back. The child is well in your arms and you in his." It was as he was walking away that I realized that he had on no shoes or socks...he was barefoot. I looked down at the child and he was smiling up at me. My heart was overflowing with love and I started aching for all the other children in that building...none could have been over 5 years old....none had anyone to love them or play with them.
I looked back out the window and everyone was gone. The dirty lot was now a grassy field full of flowers and there were now children laughing and playing in the field.

Lord, I know that this dream is sticking with me for a reason...please shed light on what you need of me or what you want me to know.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Praise God!!!!
I just got a call from my son. The first thing he said to me was "I don't know how you always do it, mom, but you saved me again. You literally saved a war inside these walls. Just as it was about to erupt we had mail call. I opened my mail and there were your blogs. I started to read them and realized that somewhere I had jumped track and was slipping again. I cried and prayed. I put them down mid way thru and went and found the guy that was the biggest part of the problem and sat him down and we talked. I would be in seg or worse if I hadn't got those right then."
Guys....I mailed those off over a week ago and he just received them! One day I was sitting here posting a blog and felt a strong need to print everything I had written and send it to my son with the front piece that is a character looking up saying inspire me. I didn't know why I got that urge...didn't question it and now I know why.
Our prayers were answered here.....God intervened once again!! I reminded him of that very thing....he knows to give thanks where it is due, cuz it isn't me that is deserving. In my headline I say that I don't always know why these words come or who they are for...but He does and that is where my inspiration lies. Well.....I can do no more than praise Him and love Him and live my life to please Him. My God is amazing and I have to shout it!!! Dear Lord you are such an amazing provider! You know before I do that I am in need and just when I don't know if I can hang on any longer You are there to pull me through. Thank You for always having room on Your lap for this little girl to climb in her daddies lap and rest!! I love You, Lord!!!!