Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A little selfishness maybe.....maybe not....


This is a link to Elevate Church in Morton, IL. Sunday they had a guest speaker, Pastor Aaron Escamilla from Texas. All I can say is wow! Wow, Aaron! I shouldn't be surprised because I have yet to hear this Pastor speak that it hasn't moved me. When I say this, I am not just talking about emotion. Pastor Aaron delivers the message in such a way that it is evident beyond any doubt that his Father speaks through him.
So, as I am listening to this message I just began to cry. I began to realize that over the last month or so I have become this person that I have prayed and prayed to never be again....this person who is selfish. You see, my husband and I are raising our grandchildren. I know that I am blessed beyond reason for this opportunity...and I love these boys like there is no tomorrow. But......there are days that I ask myself why. Why can't I just drop what I am doing and go do what I want when I want to? Lord, haven't I raised all my children and earned my "free" time. Lord, why is it that each time I want something for me--a new pair of shoes, for example--one of the kids need something and I can't let them go without, but dang...I just want.........blahblahblah....Even if these questions are few and far between, I don't want to have them at all. He has blessed me with these children. I love these children. I love my life with these children. But it doesn't stop there.......
It is the other selfish things as well......why is it that I am the only one that hears the baby cry at night....why is it that the trash has been full half the afternoon and is still sitting in the can when I finally take it out.....why is it that when I ask for help, I have to ask several times before I can finally get it.......do you see what I mean?! Some may say we all have days like this....some may say it is ok to expect help when you ask for it..........But......
Jesus didn't. He gave everything for nothing! He did everything with no expectation! He loved the unlovable! He touched the untouchable! He never complained! He never expected a thank you or a helping hand!
I hadn't seen that I had gotten to this point. I knew that my mood has been off lately. I knew that I had "wanted" for more than I remember myself wanting before. I know that I have been short with the kids lately......I just chalked it up to being tired, or not feeling well. NO, that isn't it....I have been being selfish! I have reverted to the selfish Kim that isn't getting her way and throws a fit....be it out loud or in my head.
Don't get me wrong....I know we all have "moments"....I know that I am allowed to want something for myself.......BUT....I do not want these moments.....I do not want to want for me.
Jesus, take this selfishness and replace it with your grace that I may shine for you into a world that is so dark. Let me think of others and how You would react to them, how You would handle a situation, what You would desire. Father show me what it is that I can do to show more people to You and let me live a life that not only leads them to You, but glorifies You in the process!

Psalm 119:36-37 ESV "Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What a revelation!

song of solomon 4:12-15
acts 9:32-34

Tonight I had an amazing experience! I was invited to be prophesied over. I have never had a prophetic word, but I have wanted one for a long time. So, when I received the invitation I jumped at the chance.
I have to tell you I was so nervous. I actually asked, "Has there been a time where no word has come?" I truly thought I could be the first. Seriously, I had no idea what to expect.
I have to say that I did not know this group of people...they did not know me. They knew my name....and when I walked into the room, they knew what I looked like and that was the extent of our introduction. But.....He knows me....He drew me out....He unlocked so many things tonight and released chains that had a hold on me that I just couldn't break. I cried....I cried some more....my God loves me....He knows me....He wants more of me!!
I was given words that only I could put in place, but knew right where they went....I was released from a prison that I created around myself because of certain circumstances that life has dealt me...I was released from lies that the devil has fed me.....My God knows me!!loves me!!cherishes me!!desires me!!wants more of me!!feels over me!!
Seriously, there is no way that this group of people could ever have guessed at the things that were coming at me....there is no way that any one of them could have reached into a grabbag and drew out specifics that I had only shared with God....questions that I had not ever spoken aloud.....
Then to top it off...all the way home were songs to reaffirm what I was being told.....I sobbed all the way home and let Spirit take me over......let Him cleanse me, heal me, touch those places that I had long forgotten about.
"I am Yours, You are mine and I will worship You alone!!" Thank You, Father for loving me so much that You presented me this opportunity to get intimate with You. Thank You for these wonderful souls that love you so much that they allow you to flow through them to reach others, like me. Thank You Father for reminding me just how much You mean to me and giving me that nudge to keep my eyes on You always and stop listening to the lies of the enemy and stop comparing myself to others Lord because You wrote my story....and to You I belong!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Because of Jesus...

I can make it through today. Because of Jesus, I have a hope for tomorrow irregardless of today and what it may hold.
The last day or two have been full of unexpected happenings...life. My husband's company has decided that it would be "nice" and not do full blown layoffs, so they are graciously allowing everyone to work every other week for a 24-32 hour week. This is just enough to not be able to claim unemployment, or any other helps. We get this information in the morning and the same afternoon, find some things out about my company.
I am going to be honest and say that even one year ago even one of these situations would have been a devistation to me. I would have sat down, given up and had no idea what to do next. All the "what ifs" and "what are we gonna do's" would have completely taken me over.
Today, I am sitting here knowing that God is going to bring something good from this. I may not end up with all that I "want" right now, but I will have what I need. I may not know where the next meal is coming from, but He does. I may not know if I can walk another mile in this, but He is there to lead the way. That is what He promised me, and I believe Him. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says "God's plan is to prosper me and not to harm me. He gives me hope for my future." This means that there is a future! This means that He has something more planned for my life, something I can rely on. And in Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,whom he has given us." There is hope...there is a future...there will be a tomorrow and He will be the orchestrator!
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know Who holds it....I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I know Who will deliver it....I have no idea who will be in my tomorrow, but I know He will be! Hallelujah!! So, knowing that....all I can do is smile and say "Bring it on, Lord! I am ready for your next move! Move me, Father! Use me! Give me a revelation and show me what to do..........."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Joy vs happiness...

So, quite a bit lately I have been getting asked how it is that I can stay happy when bad things happen....how is it that I don't let these situations overtake me. I have tried to explain that I put my trust in Jesus, He is a great provider and I trust that this will never change. But this afternoon my new study bible was delivered, and as I was thumbing through it I stopped in Philippians. I began to read the description page and there it was!

"In contrast to happiness stands joy. Running deeper and stronger, joy is the quiet, confident assurance of God's love and work in our lives--that He will be there no matter what! Happiness depends on happenings, but joy depends on Christ."

Now, who better than Paul to exemplify this?! Here stood a man condemned and confined for his faith in and service to Jesus; yet he was joyful! Listen to this--Philippians 3:8-10 "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death,"

Wow!! No matter his accomplishments, his relationship with Christ was the most important thing! The law condemned him...his faith in Jesus Christ redeemed him! Paul was joyful despite his confinement! Doesn't say he was happy...it is saying he was joyful.....he was righteous!

I am righteous, you are righteous because Christ Jesus gave His life and blood to cover our sin! Hear that?! WE ARE RIGHTEOUS NOT BY ANTHING WE HAVE DONE OR WILL EVER DO....WE ARE RIGHTEOUS BECAUSE OF WHAT JESUS DID FOR US ON THE CROSS! Well, how then can I not be joyful! No matter my situation, Christ has it covered...again, no matter the situation, I am covered by grace! I am righteous! How can I not be joyful!? Don't have to be happy about the situation, but I know that my God has me and He is a great provider, I will get what I need.

Philippians 2:13 says "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." He works IN us....because He dwells IN us....we have the power of the Holy Spirit within our shell!!! We don't have to go searching for Him, He is right there! He is right there!

Anyway....that is my explanation. I could keep going, but long and short of it is that the power of Jesus Christ is in me....I am covered by His grace....He fills me with joy....nothing can compare to that, nothing can take that away.....no matter the circumstance He is in me and who could ask for anything more?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

His overwhelming love....

I just have to share with you my heart right now. I have been praying over several weeks for God to just reveal to me His love for us......give me Your eyes, Lord.....give me Your hands, Lord.....give me Your heart, Lord........wow! All I can say is when you ask for something be prepared for the return!
So much emotion has been tied up in this request. I have spent the majority of this time in tears....humbled, wanting, hurting, loving, begging.......let me explain.....
He has humbled me .... brought me to my knees before Him so that He can empty me of what is not desirable.....He has convicted me on levels I didn't know where even there. My Lord, my Father is reshaping this heart of mine in response to my request....He has moved in, and did a long time ago but I didn't get the full extent of that.....HE WANTS ALL OF ME...THERE ISN'T ROOM FOR THE WORLD IN THIS HEART OF HIS!!!!!
I am so full of "want"....I want to be closer to Him, I can't get close enough. It is like every fiber of my being is stretched so far upward that I feel at times as though none of me is grounded. I just keep reaching higher and higher and wanting more and more of Him.......everything I see, everything I feel, everything around me keeps bringing me back to Him and His greatness and His glory. I am sooooo full of my desire for Him that I feel as though my flesh could just blow out at any time because there just isn't enough room to contain Him!
I have been hurting....on two levels. You see, He has revealed to me some things in my own nature that needed to be taken care of and given to Him to remold. Some of these things were such a part of who I had become that it really hurt to shed. By this I mean that I had to really look at some things in my life that I have said and done to hurt others and to intensify that, He reminded me that these, too, were His children. wow! I can't tell you how that affected my heart. The other level to this is that in asking for His heart, my level of "feeling" was amplified to the point that I cannot contain what I feel. When I see a hurting soul, my whole being aches and I cry out for them...and I don't necessarily "know" that these are hurting souls...some have looked outwardly great, but inside of me ached and saw past the outward and really just started feeling such pain. When I see a love, my whole being wants to explode from shear happiness and love, but it is so intense that it really, really hurts.....like my human heart just cannot contain that level of happiness....or that level of pain.....
I have been able to love those that to me, in my mind, weren't options in my life......oh, silly girl.....as I have been reminded by many lately speaking His truth, each person that I see has the potential for Jesus to be living inside that body!!!! Hello....do you get that??? Your boss at work that pushes your every button could potentially house the Holy of Holies!!!! Now.....how could my view not change.....how could I possibly ignore this?! I can't!
The begging is also two fold....as much as I feel overwhelmed by all of this.....I STILL WANT MORE....I STILL WANT CLOSER....I AM STILL BEGGING FOR HIS HEART, HIS HANDS, HIS EYES........ahhhhh....I just want to know Him beyond my human understanding...I want everyone who looks at me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is alive and He wants to be known by all, He wants your heart!! your life!! He wants to be your everything!!!
I never thought that someone such as myself could be so loved....so cherished....so adored....but my Jesus loves me that much, cherishes every thing about me, adores me beyond any reason....and He does you too.....
Romans 12:2
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind and therefore prove what is the will of God."