Monday, January 25, 2010

New in Him

I was recently at a retreat for the youth leaders at my church. Something happened to me there that I cannot even really explain. God really opened my heart and put on me such a passion, such a burden, such a love for our young people. I mean I had it before, but He like so intensified it that at moments it is hard to breathe over the longing for our children that I have in my heart.
There was an exercise, if you will, that we did while we were there. It was focus on a bite of Word. We read it and then we read it focusing on one part and then put the focus on another part and really just tuned in to what God was saying to us right then. It was so beautiful!!!! It was so incredible!!!! I had never really studied like that before, but I will now. God opened up my heart in that session and He really broke chains that I didn't acknowledge still existed.
Another thing I did in this time was to have my notebook and pencil. I didn't just sit and listen and then process as I normally do. This time I felt compelled to write. It was incredible. Like as soon as I felt a stirring I put the pencil to the paper and out He poured. I did not think about what was being written. I did not stop the flow to ask any questions. I just let it come out. We had a time that we got with someone to tell them what stood out in our mind, and I was able to do that. I found it kind of funny because I didn't think I would even know what was coming out. My heart was so full that I just poured it out, like it just gushed out. Tears, laughter, love that was overwhelming.
Well this morning I am beginning a new approach in my relationship with the Lord and the study of His Word. This was such an incredible experience for me that I am going to just go with it. So I got out my notebook to begin and the first clean page was directly after this last entry. I realized that I hadn't even read what I wrote, I just assumed it to be what I shared verbally. Well you know I had to revisit that moment. HAHA!! God is incredible!! What I mentally retained was not even on this paper!! What was on this paper was God's personal message to me. Like a love letter from my Father! Another thing I noticed is there was no punctuation, not a period, not a comma. Lol! When I write, like when I sit and compose, I have every T crossed, every I dotted and every proper punctuation in place. Lol! I am going to share just a couple lines with you. These are just at random points throughout, not connected together.

"I am making a way out of this place you were in I am making new your heart and your life."
"I am doing a new thing in you"
"Stop holding claim to the lies of the devil He will tell you lies I only provide for you I chose you I made you beautiful You are mine You are not the person you have held on to all these years You are mine and I am yours You are right where I want you"
"I promise the new will be new and the old will gone it is gone stand with Me and give honor to me and know that it is as I say"

The new will be new! I have been having "new" issues, like I have felt or heard this word in so many areas of my life over this last month. He doesn't just change us!! He makes us new!!! He makes us new!!! He sheds us of all that is not good for us, of all the lies of the devil, and creates in us the new opportunities, the new mercies, the new grace, the new love....the new...the God in us!...the image of Himself for others to see!
I am going to share the scripture that spurred this in my heart.

Isaiah 43:18-20 (NLT)
"But forget all that-it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too, for giving them water in the desert. Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed."

Now I want to share one thing that I remember sharing verbally. It is about His body. His bride. Us. His church, His body, His bride, His love.
I have held on for so many years to the lie that satan has handed me about being too fat, not fitting in, not being pretty, not being as good as others, etc. I am so sorry Jesus! Do you know this has blocked what God has intended me to be?! He showed me that each of us is who we are because that is how He made us. It doesn't matter that we are different, that is what He wants. We are each a piece of a puzzle, so to speak. If we all looked the same, were shaped the same, acted the same, had the same gifts, we wouldn't fit together. He fashioned us to become One, His bride. He is returning to us. He has marked us as His and shaped us accordingly. Each of us compliments the other, and each of us reflects Him. Now close your eyes and picture this......look at the beautiful, spotless bride laid out for Jesus upon His return...all of His chosen in the clothes He gave us loving whole-heartedly as He intended. Isn't that beautiful!
One more thing He shared with me is this: How can I get full of Him and overflow onto others if I am standing with satan in belief of a lie about myself. I can't. I can only get so much and then there is a block. All of me cannot receive what my Father is trying to give me because I don't believe Him. Ha! How can I not believe my Father!!!!? How can I put anyone before Him!!!!? I can't! I won't! Now I know and satan has done lost his battle in this child of God!!! Thank You Jesus!!!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Beautiful Man on the Horse

I was in class last night, Synoptic Gospels, and we were going over the assigned chapter. Now, I had read this chapter and this did not come to me, but one of the students made a comment and I very quickly remembered a dream I had with a beautiful man on a white steed. I jotted a note to myself to find this dream, I remembered that I had written it somewhere. Then, class got so good that I promptly forgot all about it.
This morning I was going through some paperwork looking for some documentation that I needed to have. I was putting everything straight to the side if it was not what I needed. One piece of paper was set to the side and after going through several others, I said out loud, "the white horse!" I dug back in to the stack I had set to the side and there it was. It wasn't the dream itself, but it was something I had written later that same day. I would like to share it with you...and can I just tell you that I just sat there and cried when I read it. It was so powerful to me that I searched my blog back from day one so that I could start a dream journal. As I was reading some of these dreams, revelations came and so did the realization that some of these have come to pass and I now have an understanding of what I didn't at the time. I also realized that I had this dream before I became a Christian. So, here is what I found:

"flashback from the dream that had the beautiful lady in purple and the beautiful man on the white horse: this dream is documented somewhere already, but this is more that has come to me today as I was reflecting.
I am remembering her putting the shawl on me, she took it from an amazing trunk full of beautiful veils and was beautiful and silky and golden with purple and wine colored stitching...but I only wore it a little while as I walked past the mass of people around the man on the horse...I couldn't see his face...he beconned me but I didn't go...I kept looking back at him as I walked down the road...he stayed in my sight, but he was leading the masses away...I was alone on the road and kept on feeling like I was heading the wrong way...finally I turned around and headed back towards the man on the horse but he wasn't in my sight anymore and I became very afraid...the road back became a maze..some parts were people trying to harm me and other parts were openings that I could get through unscathed, but I had to overcome major obstacles to get to the small opening that I was able to get through to exit the maze...
finally I was able to see the man again..I was off the road and in a forest and there he was...he reached out to me and I began to run towards him...things began jumping at me to try to knock me out of the way and off the path...I knew that if I left that path the man would be gone and I would not be able to reach him and I began calling out to him 'father...wait..father do not leave me...please father...father don't go' but he disappeared from my sight again...I kept on going after him...before I knew what was happening I was in a peasant girls clothes...very simple, yet very elegant and beautiful and no hair was flowing freely and my speed picked up...the next thing I knew I was right behind him...I was running as fast as I could and was almost there...I still could not see his face,his back was to me as he raced along on his white horse, but somehow his arm came behind my back and he lifted me onto the steed behind him and I was with him as we raced out of the forest...I remember hearing 'you have chosen well...I will never forsake you...I will never leave you' and then I was lying in a fetal position on a straw mat still in the peasant girls clothes...then I woke up"

I am in awe! I am in love! I know my Father now and it appears I did then too. Father, I will never stop chasing You, never stop wanting You, never stop loving You!! Thank You for loving me!

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I have been following a speaker now for a couple of months that I was "introduced" to when he spoke at the university that I used to attend. His name is Josh Riebock. Josh is someone that has really made me think. God comes through him in such a fresh and real way. I mean, each time I listen to him speak God shows me something of myself. Well, tonight I am finally reading his book 'mY generation'. I have to share this with you....

"He came to be Emmanuel, God with us. God involved. God in the mess. He lived to enter our lives and get our mess on him, and he did. The cross is, of course, a vividly violent picture of this. On the cross, along with his own pain, Christ took and felt ours. He felt the shame and guilt of our sin. He put our mess on him, he got messy, and though we weren't created to clean up anyone's mess, we are created to reflect Christ by entering the lives of others and getting messy." (pp 87)

When I think of what Jesus did for me, what He went through for me, I am rendered speechless. How can He love me so much that He would endure all that pain and all that torment for me, a sinner. He knew that it was going to get messy, and on many occasions. Sometimes, actually more often than not, it would be the same mess repeated. "Really Kim, again....come let Me love on you! You are never alone My child." That is how my Father responds to me. Whatever the situation I find myself in, whatever mess I have made of myself this time, He pulls me up onto His lap and He loves me. So how can I respond any differently to another??? How can I willingly turn away from one of His children when he/she is in need? Is there really such a place as too messy? Is there really that time when I would be able to turn my back on another individual and say that I cannot or will not offer all of me?
I remember many times over recent years that I cried out for help. I knew that as far as I had allowed myself to run from God, I really wanted Him. I had no idea how to get there. But because of my "mess", many (yes, even those that called themselves Christians)shut me out. They didn't want to deal with the pain I was wearing...they didn't want to see the addiction that held me...they didn't want to see pieces of reality that weren't an easy fix or that couldn't be considered Godly behavior. What did this do? Well, it made me believe that I was unlovable, undesired, not worthy, just really a wasted piece of flesh in a cold cruel world. Praise God, He broke through!! He put me in the middle of people that weren't afraid to get messy. He put me in the middle of people that weren't ashamed to call me friend. He put me right up on His lap and made that broken little girl (even though I was grown)a promise that He would never, never leave her alone again. Because of this great love, I came back to the Lord. I know real love. I know God's unending grace. I know real friendship. Most importantly, I am now able to love the "messy" with a love that I cannot describe. All I know is that because others got messy with me, I can now give that to another. By the grace of an all loving God, this life was made new.
1 John 2:7-8 "Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one that you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment - to love one another - is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. Jesus lived the truth of this commandment, and you also are living it. For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining."
Lord I thank You for this reminder tonight and I pray that You continue to fill my heart in such a way that I won't be afraid to get messy, Lord, but that I will instead pour myself and Your love into each individual that I encounter.

to listen to Josh's podcast, go to

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Pool of Sin

I am sitting here doing my homework when this paragraph just jumps into my soul. I mean, it was like bells and lights and whistles just went off.

"Today, some people continue to misunderstand the meaning of Jesus' name and mission. The Savior came to do more than save us from eternal penalty of our sin. His name is Jesus because He came to save us from sin itself! To save a drowning person, one must remove that person from the water. Likewise, when Jesus saves a person from sin, He takes that person out of his or her sin. It is a life-changing experience to approach Jesus in the full meaning of His name." (pp22 Synoptic Gospels: The Life and Teachings of Christ)

I think it is the analogy of the drowning person that set this off for me. Jesus has taken me out of my sin!!! When He said I was forgiven, it didn't mean for that moment of that day, it meant for always. He forgave me...He saved me...He pulled me from that pool of sin that was sucking me under. He lifted me before the Father and said "She is yours now." I am His now! He transformed me. He didn't just say my sin was forgiven, He said it was forgiven, forgotten and gone. He won't look at it again. Now, each day all I need is to repent and say thank You Father.
You you see what this means? To me this says that I am no longer those things that I did or said or let happen to me. I am no longer that person condemned. I am no longer in that place that I felt as though I was so bad that I didn't deserve any thing good, not even Jesus, in my life. He has taken those clothes from me and covered me in the beautiful, hand crafted robe that He made just for me! He wants to do this for all of us. He wants all of His children to wear the clothes He made just for them. The spotless beautiful garments of love and adoration that He has adorned us with.
Thank You Jesus for loving me so much that You would suffer so greatly just to give me life, just to let me sit at the feet of the Father. Thank You for lifting me up out of the pool of sin that I may wear the clothes of righteousness that You prepared for me.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A little something...

So, I have been fasting for 7 days now. I really struggled with the hows and what to do's of the process. I know from experience and medical issues that I cannot do a full fast, and so it has always been a struggle for me to decide how to go about a fast. I usually end up choosing the Daniel fast, which is what I started this journey doing. The thing is, this time I felt really convicted. Like right from the start I felt like I wasn't sacrificing, like it was no big deal to give up these things because I really don't much like meat and I already eat very little bread. So I have been going over and over it in my mind and have prayed for the Lord to please show me what I am to do. Well, tonight He did so in the form of another person's blog. This person was speaking of the internet and the social networks and how much time they steal from God and how he and his wife will give this up at a certain time of the day and will be full fasting one day a week. As I was reading this I became so convicted!! It was like yes Lord, that is it thank You!! I too take so much time from Him and give it to this little box. But see, if I am not on the social network I may miss something, or someone may miss me. It is insane! I have become more worried about others than I am about my relationship with the most incredible, amazing, loving, fun, and sensitive Man in my life....I have let myself be consumed by something other than Him.
I knew right away that this was for me. I re-posted a link for others and signed off. My computer will shut off at 5 pm, right about the time that most people are getting home from work, and won't come back on til morning. The only form of internet I am allowing myself is this blog if I feel compelled to journal and it is after 5.
But, I still didn't feel that I was really sacrificing. I asked again and this time I listened. It was so't it funny how when we finally listen it seems as though there should never have even been a question. He answered my question and now I know, I also know to keep it to myself for the simple fact that it is my sacrifice and won't be the same for another and I really need to hold myself accountable and only go to Him in this.
I have to say, I am very excited now to continue on in this journey. He has really been showing me some things, things that I may have known and ignored and things that I just didn't have a clue. Our God is so on loving...and such a wonderful Father, even when He has to discipline. I so want to be like Him!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

God's Provision

"Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises." James 5:13

Hardship fell on my house recently, I lost my job. It came out of nowhere, there was no warning...just there one day and gone the next. It was quickly apparent how many comforts we had become accustomed to. It was also quickly apparent that there was not enough money to keep just the basic needs met for a household this size.
Now, the old Kim would have quickly fallen apart and been extremely angry and vengeful in this situation. However, my Father has made a transformation in me...thank You Jesus!! You see, I didn't get angry. Instead, I prayed. I prayed with fervor. I was filled with such a peace about the situation and very clearly was told that it would be ok, I just need to rely on Him and rest in Him. He even showed me that I had prayed for things to be removed from my life that got in the way of my relationship with Him, and this job most definitely did that. So, as crazy as it sounds, I thanked Him. I thanked Him for opening my eyes to what I do have that can't be taken (His love, my relationship with Him) and then thanked Him in advance for taking care of my family as we go through this time.
It was only a week or two into it when things got hairy. There was no money to go to the grocery store. I prayed. By the end of the day, He provided me an income that would cover the food bill. Soon it was that we lost our phone and internet. Yes, these are items on a normal basis I could live without. But, I was in my last week of school, which was over the internet, so it really was a necessity at that point. Again I prayed, again He provided that very day through an amazing couple at church the exact amount that I needed to cover that bill. Soon after was the car insurance...again I prayed...that day I got a phone call from a friend who said she had sent me a couple books I should be getting in the next day or so. I received them the next day....tucked into one of the books was a check for the amount that I needed to pay the car insurance. Then there were the amazing people that He sent gifts for the kids through so that they had Christmas. As if all of that is not enough, He kept on giving. On the very day that the food ran out and the water was about to be shut off, these things were taken care of by way of the battle I had been in with unemployment coming to an end in my favor.
Friends, our God is faithful and He never forsakes us. In this time of trial, He did not turn His back on me but instead loved me and provided for me and comforted me as only my Father could. I am thankful that I was given another opportunity to grow in Him. James 1:2-3 says, "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."