So I get up this morning and all is well. It didn't stay that way for long. Through a chain of events, my mind quickly went to the "why me" state of mind. Thank You Jesus, it didn't stay there but for a minute or two, long enough to pick up my journal and go straight to my Dad.
As quickly as I was asking the questions and putting them in print, He was answering me. It was like He wasn't for a second going to let me sit in this murky darkness that was trying to envelope my mind. Again, thank You Jesus!
You see, I have been struggling with a relationship. It really hit me this morning how two worlds really do not at all come together in 99.9% of the situations. It seems as though the stronger my relationship with Jesus becomes, the harder this relationship becomes. It feels so much of the time like I am in a tug of war, and I am the rope; like Jesus and satan are battling for my life. I know my Jesus already has won that battle! I know He won't let go! But sometimes, it really takes me a minute to remember that.
Sometimes it's as though I am running on a sandy beach that gets so hot and I can only take it for brief periods and then I jump into the water and there I stay until I have that overwhelming urge to run again. It's like if I don't take my turn in the sand then everything will disappear. It is truly crazy. It's like something in me needs to remember why I am in the water in the first place; remember what the water is quenching. There are just things in my life that I no longer have any tolerance for....but I still have to live with them. It is so hard sometimes! It's like I want off this fence! I only want God! I only want His will! I only want His way!
Well, this morning God reminded me that if I was not here, neither would His light shine in this situation. Wow! How do you argue with that or even resent it in the least of ways! I realized that it is my faith in Him, my love for Him, my desire to please Him that will allow my survival in this situation. Not only that, it is kind of an honor that He allow me to endure this while He sharpens me, molds me, uses me. Thank You Jesus!
So, I asked for scripture to stand on....for something to just come into my heart and really make this conversation just that, communication and not just me whining and begging. God I need you now, I really need you right now! I really need to hear from You right now to guide me so that I don't make this worse, so that I don't hinder Your light from shining, so that I don't block the glory that You deserve in this! He told me to go to Ephesians 4. I said ok, what verse God? He said just open to chapter 4. O man!
Verse 1 says " As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." O MAN!
Verses 22-24 "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be MADE NEW in the attitude of your minds; and to PUT ON THE NEW SELF, created to be LIKE GOD IN TRUE RIGHTEOUSNESS AND HOLINESS."
Verse 30-32 "And DO NOT GRIEVE THE HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD, WITH WHOM YOU WERE SEALED for the day of redemption. Get rid of ALL bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, JUST AS IN CHRIST GOD FORGAVE YOU."
"Continue", God said. So I went into Ephesians 5.
Verse 8 "For you were once darkness, but NOW YOU ARE LIGHT IN THE LORD. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord."
I just thank You Father for the opportunity to shine for You, even if it doesn't seem like I am sometimes. I know God that if it wasn't the truth and I weren't living for You these things wouldn't even be issues. I love You Jesus and I owe you my life, my heart, my everything and there is no part of me that I don't want You to fill! Fill my very being with nothing but You God, Holy Spirit be my guide, my friend, my helper, my life! Today I choose You God, and only You, and in You I will rest!