Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT)

As I look back on my life, there are many very painful situations. Situations that I, at the time, couldn't see through the pain I was in. So many times I asked God "why? why me? what did i do to deserve this? what can i do to stop this?" Through these times I felt alone....I felt like it was all I could do to lift my head to start a new day....it was sometimes physically painful to just keep breathing. I remember thinking that I had to have done something unforgivable to be living through what I was in. And I kept going......and I kept hurting, feeling......and I just kept telling myself that someday my life would be different.
Someday came....after many more situations that I just knew I wasn't going to make it through. Some day came....after many more times of questioning God why it was me He was picking on.
Some day came....when I didn't think I could go to the funeral of one more person I love.
Some day came......when I realized that He loved me so much that He held me through those times
I realized that God had let me feel a little like His son.......beaten down, spit upon, called names, brutalized, having those he loved so much turn their backs and walk away......and out of all that pain, He taught me!
He taught me that no matter what happens in this world, He is with me. He taught me that if I turn the other cheek, He will heal the wound. He taught me that if I don't strike back but forgive, my heart aches for the person striking the blow instead of wishing bad things. He has taught me that the person who hurt me the most in this world ... the person that I should fear most ... is His child, too.
Guys, today I see that if I had not endured what I have, I would not be able to help others. Sure, I may be able to tell a person I am sorry and mean it......I may be able to give a hug or a smile and make a little difference.......but no....today, I can share with someone in pain how my Lord, my saviour delivered me. I can share that I know how devistating it is in this situation, but this is where your Father can put you if you just let Him love you!
Today.....I feel blessed. I know that I have been through so many things that I could be bitter for, but I am instead thankful to have been carried through these things rather have been delivered from them because today I can say with no waiver of doubt that my God saves.....my God loves....my God is awesome! and my God loves me! No matter what I have done...no matter where I have been.......when I gave Him my life, He washed me clean and He meets me where I am when I turn to Him:
As the song says....
He ran to me
took me in his arms
held my head to his chest
said my son's come home again
lifted my face
wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in his voice he said son do you know i still love you
yes i love you

Sunday, September 28, 2008

oh golly....

Can I just share with you that I am feeling very overwhelmed right now! Not in a bad way, but in a "Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve all that You are entrusting me with" kind of way!
Yesterday was such an enlightening day for me. I have been "hearing" that I need to go big. Ok, I know what this is in relation to......but I wasn't getting the whole idea. So yesterday.....as I was talking to a friend, there it came at me again......no really, go big....big like a small hotel, or a school, or a church....big. Ok.....
So, I get in my car to head over to the church and I turned the key, started the car, turned the radio off and said outloud "ok...you have my full attention....please clarify what I am hearin here, cuz I am not getting it" So, a little ways down the road ....more are coming.... ok .... so I need a bigger house cuz there may be more kids comin? .... a little further down the road ... not just kids, mothers and their children, whole families....help them heal and move them on.... Now I have chills and I am callin out...are you sure you know who you are talking to here.....Lord, how can I do that? I am not trained to do these things! Lord, please....I want to do what You tell me to do, but I don't know how to do this! Silly me! Question the one who puts the questions in my head....lol! When will I learn?
So, I get to the church and go inside. One of the regular helpers is in there and she says I look a little frazzled and so I tell her a little bit of what was going on. She says "Can I pray for you?" I said "yes, please...is now good for you?" She laid her hands on my shoulders and began to pray.....let me tell you that she was praying things that I was "hearing" yet, I hadn't told her this part of the story. Not only that....the presence of God around us was so overwhelming that I really don't know if I was breathing while she was praying or if I was just totally consumed by Him!
It doesn't stop there....I didn't help because I arrived late, so I waited in line with all the others. I haven't yet done that. I was overwhelmed with emotion sitting with these hurting people. A few reached out to me....probably because they figured if I was sitting there with them, I was hurting to. This really humbled me and I was able to have a couple really meaningful conversations that really helped me and hopefully the other person received as well.
Last but not least....I get home and told the girls what had just happened to me that morning. The thought that overshadowed everything that I was saying....the images running thru my mind while I was relaying all the information was the Watoto community in Africa. The kids came to my church and sang and I wanted so badly to drop it all and run to Africa and love these hurting souls. At the end, two little boys grabbed hold of me and spoke to me.....now they had been shaking hands, but when I got to the little boy 2nd from the end he just latched around my waist and looked deep into my heart and I felt it change right that second. Then the last little boy in line did the same thing. So, that being said.....I tell my husband when he gets home what happened. I told him that somehow in all that I think that the hurting in Illinois need the love that the hurting in Africa need....and since I can't go there, I need to do that here. I said I feel as though God is reachin down and puttin the smack down on my heart....he laughed and said "honey, have you ever heard the term duck".......we laughed and I said "well, God's hand is a little too big and if He wants it done, I don't know that there is anywhere I can run"
So, all that said..........PLEASE PRAY FOR ME! I don't know when or what is coming my way, but I do know that the Lord is preparing to once again rock my world and I want to be able to sail the waves and let His work be done.............

Saturday, September 20, 2008

slowin down a bit...

Today, I was drained....I mean I have had myself running so much that I just dropped the ball today and game over. That doesn't happen often, but it did give me quite a bit of time to think...and pray...and meditate.
I just have to tell you....I am grateful! I have a full house, a full life and I am grateful! There is so much love that surrounds me everyday that it just overwhelms me.
So, thank you Jesus for slowing me down enough today to realize just how many wonderful things You have given me! Thank you for letting me see the beautiful in the ordinary. Thank you for using me!

Friday, September 19, 2008


Ok.....I find it so funny that when I really need to get ahold of something it is continually handed to me over and over til I can honestly say it has hit home......lol!
I have been thinkin, prayin and just plain beggin for some things of God. This morning I realized that I haven't been believing it ... just asking it. I really thought I was believing, but no, it was just hoping. And even more than that...the one thing that is truly my hearts desire I just put out there like it was a sidebar idea ... or if He got bored for a minute and needed to giggle he would have some new material.
So, yesterday I went to speak with a lady about some things. This woman is a woman of God....someone who I totally respect and admire. Somehow...lol....our conversation turned and she told me a story about a person who had been provided the very thing my heart has been longing for. By the end of the conversation, I was realizing that I had not really petitioned for what I truly want at all because I thought it was so big that I would be selfish to ask and the couple times I had mentioned it to God, it was like I tossed it in for a giggle. Yeah right, someone like me is gonna get something like this.....there are so many people so much more deserving. I listened, I teared up, I thought to myself that would be great....but still wasn't really ready to grasp that I could indeed go to Him for this.
So, this morning I got up to do my meditation and devotional time and my first reading is speaking of this....who would have thought, right..lol!

³So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened² (Luke11:9,10, NIV).

So I am not reading that I should hope my wish will be fulfilled.....my question may or may not be answered. This is saying ask and I will be given....call upon Him and He will be there! I am not reading to ask if you have achieved 1,2 and 3 first....or ask only if you feel you are the only deserving person of this. No, it says very clearly to ask and you will be given. That is so powerful, yet so easy to forget when I am in the midst of a situation. It is also so easy for me to believe it to be for a day or two and then tell myself that it really was silly to ask so maybe I should just move on and keep hoping that someday it will happen.
But, if my petition is important enough for me to come on my knees....if my petition is desperate enough that I beg my Father.....I need to believe that He already has it taken care of! It may not be delivered today....or even tomorrow.....but He already has a plan of correction in place and my provision is already in the works. So, I need to thank my Father every day for it as though it has already been delivered! Not thank Him for hearing me.....not thank Him for thinking about it....not thank Him for maybe thinking about it.....Thank you Father for taking care of me in my need! Thank you Father for my provision!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

See God in everything!

I am involved in a situation right now that is bringing pain to people that I love, more specifically to children that I love. I am having a very hard time with keeping a right heart towards these individuals. I am really having a hard time being nice where they are concerned. So, I prayed for them...I know that they are also in pain right now, so I am really trying to be more understanding.
So, this morning before reading my devotionals I prayed for their hearts to soften and for something to show me....for something to help me be more forgiving....for something to help me so I can be there for the kids while showing them how to handle these kinds of situations in a Godly way.
Here are the first few sentences I read:

"He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes." 1 Samuel 3:18

If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see! Perhaps the circumstances causing my sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same, but if Christ is brought into my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance" (psalm 32:7)

THANK YOU, FATHER!!!! You never fail me when I ask and I listen!! You are always there if I reach out to You.....that is my comfort!
See God in everything!!! How powerful is that?! How much that says! How can I not act lovingly towards another if I am seeing Him.....how can I be mean spirited or revenge filled if I am seeing Him...........such simple little words but wow!! the impact!
I am so thankful to have such a powerful Master......such an inspiring Father......such a selfless Savior.....such a loving Daddy! Jesus thank you for never failing me...thank you for reminding me that even in my pain, even in my confusion, You are there and if I just turn to You there lies my comfort and strength and ability to move on!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

tell me..what is impossible with God.....

Today I am truly blessed!!
So many things have been added to my plate and rolled into this thing called my life.....so many amazing, amazing changes that I could just never have imagined could happen to me.
To begin with....my family has a new member. We have been delivered a beautiful young woman to share our lives with. She has been through unimaginable circumstances, yet she can still smile. This is proof to me that my God is ever working, ever loving, ever healing....always, always there!! I am so honored to have been handed such a gift in my life........Lord, thank you so very much for bringing Tay into our family and please let me show her how to be a strong woman of God!! She has something special to offer Your kingdom and I am so honored that You gave me the task of bringing her to You! Please keep me strong and on Your course.....please don't let me let her down!!
Then today my friend and I were approached to be a part of such an amazing ministry that I can only feel overwhelmed and honored to be deemed a part of this team. I have been praying for enlightenment on a few issues and they all seemed to have been handled in this one conversation. Thank you, Lord, for putting me with such amazing men and women! These people are Your people and Your presence is so strong when I am working with them to feed Your hungry. Lord, help me to grow with these people ... help me to heal wounds and feed the soul, as well as the body!
Father, I am Yours.....I am surrounded by your blessings today and am in awe of Your greatness!! Please fill me with Your grace that I can shine for You!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

the puzzle..

Wow! That is really all I can say about the chain of events surrounding me right now. I am so overwhelmed with my life..don't get me wrong, I love my life, it is just crazy right now. So many unexpected things.........
Ok, now let me laugh at myself.......isn't this what I ask for on a daily basis? Don't I ask God every single day to use me........don't I tell Him that I want to be His vessel?
I guess until just now, I haven't really looked at my life since becoming a christian and asking God to work the unthinkable through me. I haven't actually been putting the pieces of the puzzle of my life together, I have just been tossin em in a jar to look at later. Wow....what our God can do with a life.
Let me tell you...I used to be a pretty selfish person...pretty shallow. I mean, I wasn't a mean person, but I lived to make me happy. Did I help people? Absolutely....but I did expect something in return, if nothing other than a thank you. But today, it seems that all I want to do is help ... genuinely help ... and most often I find myself not wanting to tell anyone what I have done and when told thank you I give thanks to our Father.
I didn't really pay attention to this change in me....I didn't really notice til yesterday that my life has dramatically changed. I didn't realize that I haven't asked what my purpose was or where am I going in this life in quite sometime.
Guys...I am healed....I am cleansed....I am transformed...I am His! He has blessed my life beyond anything I could ever have imagined. He is using me to get to people. He is giving me opportunities to share His love. He is challenging me beyond my wildest dreams. He has shown me that I am a servant........I am His servant.........and that means that I am humbled before all. That means that I give before I take. That means I love without reason. That means that I don't turn my back on a challenge or change my course because of a bump in the road. And that means that He loves me unconditionally and so that is what I am to do.........how can I turn my back to anyone that He puts before me when He would never turn His back on me? My life is meant to be lived. I am not here to just exist. I am here to minister.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Weirdness ebbs my mind...

Weirdness is settling in...I am not sure how I am feeling....
This is my stance for today....weirdness.
I feel like I am in the middle of a transformation....like my body is ready but my wings just haven't figured out how to fly yet.
I know that God has something for me to do, but I just can't get there. I am sure that means that I need to slow my overactive mind down and be still, but some days that is a very difficult task for me.
I keep hearing that I need to serve on a higher level.....that I need to give more.....that I need to minimize me and maximum Him.
I will be quite honest here and say that I feel compelled to hurry up....lol.....bills are piling up and Christmas is coming.....this, that and all in the middle want the money that I used to make....I know I could jump right out there and get a "job", but my heart is telling me no, be patient cuz the right thing hasn't presented itself.
Oh....patience and faith go hand in hand, don't they?! I know that He is an awesome provider, He has shown me this over and over. I just have to quiet myself and listen........I have to put my worries away because my life isn't for me it is for Him and He has me right where He wants me and provides everything that I need. There it is .. my needs are met, just not all the wants...lol! Oh how those lines can blur when I get in a hurry!
Lord, today remind me that You are in control and that You always have me in just the right spot at just the right time. Work through me so that I may reach even one person today for You. Please, Father, still my mind so that I can hear You when You give me guidance. Thank You so much for my life today......please let me live it only for You!!

"So use your body to honor God" 1Corinthians 6:20

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Ok...so I was driving to work this morning, which is usually my quiet time---prayer, reflection, just listening. Well, I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to turn on the radio. So, of course, I did---I have learned not to ignore these things. The song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns was just beginning. Let me tell you....that song gets me on a normal day, but this morning it took me over and ran me onto a worship ground so high and urgent........guys, I was overwhelmed and in tears. I was driving down the road singing like no one could see me or hear me and if they could it didn't matter anyway..At times my own praise was coming out instead of the words to the song......I was overcome!!! I had so many scenes of my life and the lives of my children race across my mind. Moments in life that I could only see a bad outcome but that at the last moment a miracle happened....yet I didn't realize that I/we had just been graced. Moments that I have never really looked at as defining moments in life.....but o how wrong I was to think that. There isn't a moment in my life that isn't defining. I can turn one way or the other and the outcome will change. So, to know that I am His.........Praise God!!!

Now just hear this....
"Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth (all the earth and yet he still has time for me?!) Would care to know my name (it's right there in the palm of His hands)Would care to feel my hurt(He weeps over us as much as He celebrates our victories)
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart (even when I don't want to listen and choose a different path, He still shows me a way out)
Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are (nothing I do or don't do changes His love for me!)
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You Hear me when I'm calling Lord You catch me when I'm falling You've told me who I am I AM YOURS (so insignificant, yet all important to Him)
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me...." (His arms and His lap are always waiting for me to come to Him)

This tells me how truly insignificant I am in this large world, yet at the same time, how precious! He knows me and yet He still loves me....all I have to do is cry out to Him and He is there. But you know there are many times that I don't remember calling and yet there He was anyway. He never lets me go.....He never lets me down. He doesn't always give me what I want, but He always gives me just what I need.......I am His!!!! What better badge in life to wear.....I am His!!!

Lord, thank You for the reminders that get me where I need to go in this life....thank You for always providing for me, even if it is something I don't understand at that moment. Keep me remembering how great You are and let me tell everyone how much You love them, too!

Monday, September 1, 2008

I apologize

I apologize....I posted nothing yesterday. I know that you may say that I don't need to say I am sorry for that, but really I do.
You see, I let the dark in for a minute .... and it scared me! There was a minute on Saturday night that I became the person that I used to be. It started so quickly and ran so fast! At one point I truly looked at myself in the mirror to see if it was really me sitting there. I didn't realize how easy it is to slip .... how quickly the devil wants to reclaim what he wants .... how totally empassioned one can get in such a short period of time. I became engulfed in jealousy....I reacted instead of acting.....I bought a pack of cigarettes, and smoked a couple of them.....I had a drink, well I took a drink from it and it made me feel sick so I put it down. Guys, I haven't done any of that in a REALLY long time! To top it all of, I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't even go to church Sunday morning.
So, Sunday I had some serious fixing to do within myself.....some serious conversations with my Father to have. I had to humble myself yet again and really get personal with God. I had to come to the point that I know it is ok that I stumbled, I am human. The good thing is that my Lord is soooo much stronger than His opponent! He wasn't gonna let go and I wasn't gonna stop reaching! Guys, it was not where I wanted to be nor is it where I ever want to go again, but I needed a reality check and I needed to remember that none of us are safe from temptation. I chose to go down that road when it was presented......I had to own my mistake and fix it......I had to go to my Father and humble myself before Him.
The thing is .... He was still there for me! He was still with me, which is why I was able to surface and realize my wrong before it carried me away. No matter how wrong what I did was, no matter how horrible it made me feel...my Daddy was sitting there waiting for me to come sit at His feet and get my scolding, my lesson if you will , and then crawl up on His lap so that I could know His love and He could dry my tears...........
Life gets no better than that....to know that I can always go to my Father and He will discipline me but still love me and not turn His back........................
Father, thank You for holding my head up when I can't do it myself...thank You for letting me know that I am not a horrible person but that temptation is always right there and I need to listen for Your voice to guide me. Please forgive my selfishness! I love you, Father, and need You always!!!