Friday, December 5, 2008

The evil in my mouth!

"In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:5-8 NLT

Ok, the first thing I must do here is tell you that I am bringing to light an issue so that the evil one can not keep it over me! I have already knelt before my Father, and I have asked forgiveness and said I am sorry to those that were involved. But I feel that I need to also let all of you that read what I have to say know that I, too, fall and fall hard when I do. I am far, far from perfect and far, far from the person I want to be.
Last night, something happened that scared me badly. My immediate reaction was praying within my head while I was going through the outward motions/questions/etc. What quickly came was panic....what followed right on panics heels was the poison that flew from my mouth!! I haven't errupted like that...and I say errupted because there was an unstoppable force spewing from a very long time. Not even the blog a few months back where I slipped into old behaviors could touch this scene. The scariest part was that no matter how hard I tried to stop the words, no matter how horrid they were as they were flying...I could not shut my mouth. It was literally as though I was a insides were screaming one thing and something all together different was flying from my lips. I do believe that it scared me more than the situation that started the whole ordeal.
It came to me in the moments after, when I was sobbing before my Father, that I am for the first time excited for Christmas! I knew this...I have blogged this...I tell everyone that I am ecstatic that I am going to celebrate Jesus' birthday! I can't wait! But .... the devil doesn't want that of me....he wants to hold me where he has always had me so that God cannot have the glory! this I say "I BELONG TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND NOTHING AND NOBODY WILL SEVER ME FROM HIM!!" Bring it on.....I may crack, I may crumble....I may even have a war inside of myself, but HE will keep me His and I will forever strive to be better for Him...I will forever shout His message.....I will forever spread His cheer....I will forever love Him and praise Him and honor Him......and I will forever fall on the floor before Him in awe and respect!!!
I may not pass every test of faith handed me when it is handed to me....but I do try....and I will make corrections and keep on! My Lord knows my heart....My Lord knows who I really am and from where I came and He will never, never let go!!!
And, in reflection, the thing that bothered me most was that when people look at me I want them to see my Father....I want to live a life for Him, to make Him proud, to show His love for His people.....and in just a second like that one, I alone could turn people away from Him.....and that would be heartbreaking to me.

"You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all it's wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him." Colossians 3:7-10 NLT

Lord, forgive me and help me to be the person You need me to be for You. Please place a shield of love and protection around me, not only from my old self and desires, but also from the world that wants to hold me back. Use me as Your vessel and let my light shine only for You! I only want You!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I need You... to sleep in this morning!! I didn't crawl out til close to 7! How wonderful it feels....and the boys are still sleeping.....and the house is quiet.....and I can not only smell the coffee brewing, I can hear it, too......I love these kind of days!
So, as I got up and began my normal routine, I was struck. You see, my mornings are usually very are most of yours. I start praying, usually before my feet hit the floor, and as I am getting everything done that needs done I continue on praying. I pray all over the place all day long....I just do. I love to talk to the Lord. BUT....
I also love other time stealers. I love this computer. And this morning as I was sitting down to log in and check my 5 different sites it occured to me that Jesus would love some of this excitement....He would love it if I was as attentive to Him as I am to this box....He would love it if I gave to Him the time I give to this. It was just impressed upon me so strongly that my God feels, too. He wants my love and my time...He doesn't want to be set aside for moments that I have time to give Him....He doesn't want to be the background to what I am doing, He wants my attention! You see, my God is beautiful...powerful...amazing...loving....devoted....always there....always attentive.......I could go on for days and days and fill pages with the awe I feel in His presence!! And never, not once, has He held up a finger and said "just a minute,Kim, I have to finish this first"...or..."that is great, Kim---sure Sally, I have Kim on the other line so give me just a sec" is always, always "my precious child I love you and I am here!"....
So, He is getting more of my time. I believe that not only do I need Him, He also needs me...and you...and all of us! I believe that He treasures the time we spend with Him, as much as I treasure the time with Him. I am going to begin to limit my time spent on the computer. I will make Him my priority and will make sure that I get uninterrupted time with Him! Instead of worrying about the latest updates, when the kids take their naps I will meet with Him. Instead of having my morning coffee reading email, I will spend that time with Him. I love Him....I treasure Him....I adore Him, and I need to make more time with Him!! I need Him to know the depth of my love and worship...I need Him in every breath....I need Him in every step....I need Him...I need Him....I need Him!!!!!! Lord, I need You and I love You and You are my everything and I bow down before You knowing that I don't deserve You....o but I love You!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

the challenge.....ooooo....come on.....

So today I have a challenge for all of you! As you may or may not know, I made a decision to live more intentionally......well, part of that, I think, is gracing others. By this I mean just doing random acts of thanks expected, no recognition of any kind expected, nothing in return, no props....just do something intentional. I will give you an example of what I am talking about, not for admiration or approval or anything for me....but just so you know what I mean.
Yesterday, my daughter and I went to Starbucks for Red Day. The lady in the truck in front of us handed her drink back in twice. The kid at the counter was becoming quite frustrated, the guy in the truck behind me went from looking way stressed to something not at all pleasant, and my grandson decided that moment was his time to scream loudly for his bottle(which I couldn't get to), my daughter began to fidget and I noticed that I was even becoming impatient. So, I asked the Lord for help to calm those in my van. I wasn't given that, but I was given patience and a prompting. Why not pay for the guy in the truck?! He looks oober irritated, so the poor counter guy is not even gonna get a smile.....and hopefully that would be the worst of it, but who knows. So, that decided, when I got to the window I smiled and paid for my order. When he handed me my change, I asked if I could pay for the truck behind me. He said sure, in an uncertain tone. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to do I told him that yes, I did want to do that, that maybe it would help him become a little less frustrated and know that there is love and kindness around him. The kid smiled at me, the first one I had seen in the 10 minutes I sat one car away from the window, and took my money. I pulled away without seeing the guy in the truck get to the window, but I know that I made at least one person smile. My only regret was that I didn't ask the kid to tell the man that Jesus loved him....., I will do another random act....BUT this time I will make sure to include my Lord because it is because of Him that I am doing this. I don't want the praise! I don't want the thank you! I want the glory for everything I do in this life to go where it Jesus Christ my savior and king!!!
So.....for His birthday season, I will gift others in honor of Him so that He gets the glory............and if all of you join me, can you just imagine how many people will be hearing His name and feeling His love........reach further than that and challenge your children, your family.......let's bring Christmas back to what Christmas is, the celebration of Jesus Christ who was born and died for us!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

I am sitting here...

I am sitting here at 5 am. The house is finally quiet...not something that happens often. It is the slow down. All the family that was here for Thanksgiving has left for home. My house is somewhat picked up and I had a few hours of sleep last night....good start!
I have done a lot of thinking this week. There has been a lot of pain for me between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day for many years. For many years this has been a hard time...a time that I just couldn't get excited about, truly, I dreaded it. In fact, until a few years ago, I didn't even see the pattern.
Last year, just before Thanksgiving, I was baptized!! You know, for the first time in as many years as I could remember, I was excited! I couldn't wait for the holidays to come...I couldn't wait to make new memories, good memories....I couldn't wait to start new traditions with my own family. Not all of that enthusiasm was met there I forgot that others had issues, too. And so the enthusiam I started off with didn't stay as strong....but I made it through by the grace of God!! I didn't break down!! I didn't have to be medicated!! I can't look back and say at any one moment I thought I was going to fall apart!!
Jump to this year.......
Thanksgiving was beautiful! The old Kim would have snapped within hours. The old Kim wouldn't have handled the chaos around her, the changes of plans at the last moment, the life happenings that weren't planned out. I actually enjoyed myself and didn't start feeling overloaded just yesterday when it hit me how tired I really was....but even that wasn't near the issue it would have been in the past. I knew I was tired...didn't hide it from the world, in fact I gave them all the heads
I haven't been this excited for Christmas since I was a little girl! I haven't been able to jump from Thanksgiving into Christmas without worry, dread, the what-ifs since I can even imagine. Last year was better than it had been, but I still wasn't excited......I was happy that I was happy...I decorated...but I still hadn't caught the "wow" of it all. I have caught the "WOW"! I am so excited that my Savior's birthday is now only 24 days away!! You see, it had always been about the gifting to me. I didn't know all this other "stuff"......I didn't know the story of Jesus' birth. Sure, I had heard the songs...sure, I had read the kids stories......but I had never looked at it and accepted the gift that I was handed! I had never looked at it as this is His birthday and I should celebrate Him! I had never realized that on this day He was born so that He could later assume all my sin, heartbreak and pain by being crucified for me!
And so....this Christmas I am revamping my season!! I didn't put up a bunch of santa claus, he is a character. I am putting up Jesus Christ, my savior and king!!! I am not counting down til Christmas, I am counting down the birthday of my Lord! So, this calls for celebration! I am going to celebrate this year. I am not gifting in the normal sense because I cannot afford it, and this is finally ok with me. Instead, I am making a conscious effort to do Christlike things in my daily living....yes, I do this everyday, but I am being more intentional for this season. I am going to speak of Him boldly and proudly like never before....I am going to really watch for little things that I can do for others that wouldn't seem to make a difference (cleaning up someone else's gathering so the host doesn't have to, unloading shopping carts for people as I am coming into or out of a store, smiling at everyone and yes that includes those who seem scary, etc). I have just enough time left before Christmas is here to make this a habit.........
I know that some of you may not understand the joy I am filled with right now....I have a lot to be stressed about --- my son is in prison, I have little money...... --- but please understand that with Jesus Christ at the center of all I do, He will provide what I need and so I need to provide what He needs.......I will honor Him, I will love Him, I will cherish Him, I will praise Him and I will worship Him!!!
Merry Christmas to you all....I hope you can find the peace and happiness I have found!