Friday, November 28, 2008

The slow down...

Ah...the day after Thanksgiving....the slow down. I don't know about the rest of you, but all the preparation and then the day of, is all a bit overwhelming for me. Not saying I don't love it....because I do....but usually I get so many things going on at once that I just know I am gonna forget something. Well.......this year I adjusted my attitude for the day a bit and it was much nicer. See, usually I am making sure this is perfect and that is presentable....and did I make sure to get the one thing........not this year. This year, I stepped back. Don't get me wrong, I was part of the preparation but I didn't let all the twists and turns of the unexpected catch me in the net.
Thanksgiving was at our house this year. I began making my list.....the shopping list, clean this, deep clean that, this one likes this, this one likes that. It began to get away from me. I realized that I didn't have to have a dust free environment....floors we could sit and eat on....the perfectly glazed ham....the pie to die just wasn't necessary. In fact, at some point I lost total control of my, if you know me you also know the stressed out frenzy ball I would normally be....but it was ok. I stepped back and let those that wanted that part of the day have it. Instead, I cleaned up after people....I talked to people....I listened to people....I prayed for people....I was able here and there to just slip away unnoticed and go thank God that my house was full of family and love and we were together.
There were people that weren't able to attend....and I missed them. I had time to stop and ask God to be with them where they were and wish them love and peace on this crazy day...and to let them know the real joys of Thanksgiving.
I was able to just smile and know that even though nothing was in my control....I was you know how huge a blessing that was?! Do you know that I was so full of love that I didn't hardly! I smelled the goodness....I tasted the love....I valued every moment I was given. For the first time in a long time, I stepped back and let others take over and I was felt so wonderful! I was able to really enjoy conversation....I learned so much about those I loved by just "being" there. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me yet another lesson in love and relationships! So much of what took place yesterday became a life lesson for me.....God is good! He uses each moment of our day to teach us if we only stay still enough to listen and learn! His goodness is unmatchable, but I can try to imitate Him as much as my human form will allow.......Thank you, Lord, for all the lessons and love that you have brought to me. Thank you for not only filling the table, but filling my heart. I pray I am able to carry this new "attitude" into the Christmas season and keep You as the center of all the celebration around me. It is You, Jesus, that I am is You that gives me all I need!

Monday, November 24, 2008

He always knows...

So, last night I was handed a situation that not only made me question my also hurt so deeply that I was really physically struggling to breathe. This isn't anything that I can do anything about now...this isn't anything that I can share...this isn't anything that I can make sense of in any fashion. I felt overwhelmed, overloaded and quite frankly for the first time in a long time I felt beaten. My first reaction was to cry out to God....the whole time I was being fed the information I was on my knees before the Lord; it was as though I was watching a horror movie and there were the horrible scenes of what I was hearing flashing before me, there was me standing there listening and taking it in, and then there was me on my knees with my head in my hands at my Father's feet. I didn't sleep a wink...I couldn't. I prayed all night long. Evidently I would doze here and there because all of a sudden I would open my eyes and pick up my prayer right where I assume to have left off....but actual sleep never came.
I arose this morning feeling as though I were an aged woman who needed a cane and/or assistance to function. I made myself go through the motions of my morning routine. I kept having flashes of this and flashes of wouldn't stop. I cried out again, "How am I to deal with can I possibly do anything now....why so late...why now?" The only answer I could hear was to find the truth. I wasn't able to pick up the book and focus, but I knew that I needed God's word....I knew there was something there that would help me. So, I sat at my computer and went to my church's website. I listen to sermon while I work, but I needed to sit. The weekend sermon was not yet available, so I looked at Wednesday night. The sermon was "big problems, bigger God"....ok, I believe that my God is big. But I also believed that this new information was crippling. I turned it on....not the lead pastor, not the "normal" sermon that I would choose.....I began to listen. I heard that God is so much bigger than every problem I am going to face. But the closing remark felt directed specifically to me....ok, I always get something very personal in each sermon I hear, I am sure that we all do. But this......this was straight from God's mouth to my heart. I heard that God sometimes allows these problems so that we can be strengthened as Christians.....and when I look back on the big problems, they have all changed me and given me a way to relate to/help another person going through what I have already come through, and this was stated. I also know that in the grip of these other situations I didn't believe that I was going to be ok. Also stated was that God does not always remove the problem, but if allowed He will change our perspective. I so needed to hear that .... I cannot remove this problem, it is long gone and done, it can't be undone. My guilty feelings, my pain, my what-if's cannot change anything that was done...won't at all take any of it away. No amount of pain or remorse on my part can fix any part of what was taken. But...if I keep my eyes on Him, He will not let me fall. If I keep my eyes on Him, He will change the ending of the nightmare. If I keep my eyes on Him, He will keep my hands/mouth out of this so that no more damage gets done. I have to trust Him...thank Him...Praise Him......and I have to know that He wouldn't let something like this happen and not let it bring about beauty...............please me find your gift in this!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lifehouse's Everything skit.....POWERFUL!

please watch this is so powerful....truly, my words are inadequate, just watch...

my miracle delivered....

Ok...first I must say praise God!! I have been living in a miracle this week. So many beautiful things have many people I have been given another chance to have in my life. But the icing on the cake is that God brought back to me my pop's best friend.....the good memories of my childhood, my only experiences with God growing up, the meat of who I am life.
Riley exploded onto the scene when I was a young child. He was this crazy happy man that teased everyone around him and had fun with everything he was handed....and sang praise to his God in his every breath! I fell in awe of him from the instant he walked in our front door. I had never seen my dad so happy. The family dynamic began to change. My dad began to change and with him the rest of us, too. I began to hear about Jesus and His love for us. I began to go to church (Riley had come to town to pastor a local church). We began to pray as a family...mealtimes, bedtimes, hard times. We began to praise Him...bad times, good times. I learned that with Jesus in control, life was wonderful. This amazing man of God showed me how beautiful and powerful the Spirit is and how necessary!
Riley brought with him a beautiful family that soon became like my own. They were radiant. I wanted to be like them. His girls were beautiful...they were happy...we sang together, we played together, we praised together. We didn't just sing the hymns, we made our own songs, too. I remember our mom's in the kitchen after service and our dad's doing whatever they did and us girls huddled in front of the stereo singin and singin. This became my life. I couldn't wait for Sunday because we got to go to church twice...and Wednesday night....and then there were always the gatherings in between and the friends that needed a meal so we would have a party. It was beautiful! It was so real...the happiness was so embedded in my being that when my life ran as far from that life as I could. I ran as far from God as I could. I ran as far from my parents as I could.
Skip to years sister passed away. My father and I hadn't spoken in years. We made amends. We began to get close again. We began to talk about God again. We forgave each other..we started new. Then he became ill. I knew in my heart it was the end, but I held onto every moment. He was in a coma, but I still talked to him. I still laid my hands on him every time I was in his room. Spirit moved in that room! I sang to him, and Him. I loved him, and Him. I was given back both my daddies in one holds barred and no regrets held. My dad came out of his coma long enough to verbalize to me that he knew everything said and done while he was "out". He promised me that we would go to church together when he "came home" and he made me promise him that I would never turn away from God again. His death was the most painful, yet most beautiful, moment of my life (and is a whole different story). I have not turned from God...I have been baptized...I love the Lord with every fiber of my being. I praise Him through the good times and the bad. I can never be close enough...I always want more!
Back to Riley, when Dad became ill I began looking for Riley. I searched and searched and pleaded and prayed and searched some more. I literally filled a notebook with phone numbers that I called .... and kept praying that he was indeed still out there to be found.
It will be 2 years in February that my search began. Yesterday, my daughter and I were playing around and found a search engine I hadn't yet seen. All of a sudden I just spoke his name...she said "huh"...I told her to put in his name. The first thing that popped up contained the information I needed to find him. It took a few phone calls and some painful explanations, but there he was. So...last night I was handed my miracle. I have Riley back in my life.....I am so overwhelmed and so overjoyed and so thankful to God!
And...when he gives me permission, I am hopefully going to share with you quite a bit more about him. But for now I will say that he is still an amazing shephard for the Lord....and he and his wife are missionaries! a country that has been heavy on my heart.....can you just see God all over this.........ILOVEJESUS!!!!and did I say PRAISE JESUS!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Personal challenge made public...gotta like those!
So, the verse that I literally opened to and looked down upon this morning was Phillipians 2:14 "Do all things without grumbling or questioning".....lovely! Wow...give me words to live by! Of course, I had to read on....
15-18 says this: "that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me."
Ok, so I have had issue with myself and my mouth. I have really been attending to what I say and how I say it....and sometimes, does it even need said at all. I have always been a talker and lately have really been trying to be still and quiet...not just in my private time, but in my public life as well. I have also been really noticing my "grumbling"....HA! I am hearing it! And a friend and I have had a "shine your light" campaign goin for a few weeks now...even to the point of telling people to shine on...or shine your light...or let your light shine. this I am hearing that I am to be a visible light for Him...meaning that if I am grumbling, I am not humbling myself. I am to rejoice in Him and let that come thru in everything I do........yeah, simple stuff, we all know these I vow to really make a concious effort to become less grumbly and more!
Hope you all have a beautiful day......and if you catch me misbehavin, let me know PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

my past revisited...

I am not sure what happened to me yesterday....but it was definitely weird, moving, great, surprise-filled....did I say great?!
So the day started off with my drive to drop the computer off, as any other morning. But no sooner than I pulled out of my driveway, I started reflecting on my past. Just...Bam!...there it was. It wasn't one piece of my was several different people, several different situations and they all ended painfully for me. These scenes rolled through my mind for the 20 minute ride....had the radio on, as usual, but didn't hear it. The kids were uncharacteristically quiet. And the images just kept rolling. I pulled into the parking lot at over and the radio "came on" and the kids started back to present. I took care of what needed taken care of and 30 minutes later we were back on the road.......and "someone" flipped my movie back on. This time, I was rehashing images of family I haven't seen in forever, family that had passed on, family that I had not yet met but know of........
So, when I got home from this show, I decided that I have a people finder right here at my fingertips. Wow! I reconnected with so many people yesterday that I am still swimming in the disbelief pool! Mind you, these weren't old friends forgotten that I was looking fact, I was quite surprised at some of the people that popped up for me in totally weird places.(An example...I had an old flame that popped up when I searched for a cousin---they did not know each other back in the day. These kind of things over and over all day.) These were people that I had a relationship of one sort or another and it had either ended badly or just ended no explanation and then they were out of my life.....not to be thought, for the most part, until yesterday. But they had all been a big chunk of my life.
My point....God took these situations that were sitting and rotting in my heart and made them beautiful. I have been able to talk to people that I thought were long gone....and wounds were healed that I thought would bleed forever. I was able to make ammends to some for the pain I caused them. I met new family. I found pleasant memories where either no memory would show, or bad ones prevailed. Today....I can't find the bad ones! Today....I feel so blessed that He entrusted me with His love enough to send me on this journey....knowing I would find souls longing for Him along the me the courage it took to bring Him to the forefront in these situations.
You see....I have no problem talking about God to anyone! I love Him! I fear Him! I trust Him! He is my everything! But, I have at some points been afraid to speak what I feel to those closest to me for fear that they would turn away...not from me, but from Him! I sometimes talk too much...ok, a lot of the time...and I am always afraid that I will be too pushy and push people away rather than bringing people to my wonderful this time before I typed or spoke, I asked Him for the words needed....what He wanted out there.
He taught me.....He gave me the right words, the right amount of push....all I had to do was stop before I started and ask for His strength and guidance to give that person just what He wanted them to have from me in that moment. I know, you may call me a little crazy.....but for me to say just enough and then quit is huge! He is leading me.....He is loving me.....He is using me! I love Him with no shame in the game at all...........I want to be a light in this dark world and I only want for those around me to see know give Him their love and life! I am soooo thankful He is teaching me to be still-----aka, to shush!

Psalm 92:4-5
"For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for your joy. How great are your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep! "

Monday, November 10, 2008


I am doing a study right now...the book is Walking by Faith - Lessons Learned in the Dark, author Jennifer Rothschild.....all I can say is an inspiration this woman is.....I am digging so deep with this, it is just amazing at the things that have been brought to light that I thought were so hidden inside they would never see the light of day again....things that really do affect my walk and I would never have realized!I really recommend this to anyone that wants to come closer to matter how close I think I am at any given moment, the truth is I am never close enough! I always want more...I always want that extra minute with Him......

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

and there it is...

So, today has been a weird day. To begin with I don't feel well at all.....but it isn't holding me like it normally would. Then I got into this mode of trying to simplify the things in my house. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is too much clutter. I have to sometimes really search for the things I need while the things that I rarely, if ever, touch are all over the place. So, I dug in! I started in the kitchen.....and WOW! You wouldn't think that there would be much that I could do in my small little kitchen, but wow......hubby will be a little agitated for a day or! He isn't one for change. The kitchen and the bathroom are adjoined and so, of course, the bathroom was also under attack! can see where this is going, can't you? Good thing it was garbage day because I added quite a bit to the pick up! It is amazing the things I hang on to "just in case". I did put quite a bit in the donate pile, too. That is always good.
Then came the coffee.....oh how I love coffee......I was becoming overwhelmed and so decided that I should just sit and have a cup-o-joe and reflect on what it is that I am feeling....what is prompting this mood could I have forgotten!!!!......One year ago today I was baptized! It seems like so long ago some days....other days it seems as though it was just yesterday. So, I think I was reorganizing and prioritizing the external because the internal was also doing a system check. I am at a place in my life where I don't want clutter in my mind----evidently my house, either. I don't want in my life "things". Today, I want love...I want God...I want to people...I want to be a servant! I want a simple way of living so that I have more time to give to my Lord, Jesus Christ!
So, since today is my "birthday", I am going to celebrate by shedding some weight and gaining more time to spend with Jesus!! My poor house.....and my poor husband!