Saturday, November 15, 2008

my past revisited...

I am not sure what happened to me yesterday....but it was definitely weird, moving, great, surprise-filled....did I say great?!
So the day started off with my drive to drop the computer off, as any other morning. But no sooner than I pulled out of my driveway, I started reflecting on my past. Just...Bam!...there it was. It wasn't one piece of my was several different people, several different situations and they all ended painfully for me. These scenes rolled through my mind for the 20 minute ride....had the radio on, as usual, but didn't hear it. The kids were uncharacteristically quiet. And the images just kept rolling. I pulled into the parking lot at over and the radio "came on" and the kids started back to present. I took care of what needed taken care of and 30 minutes later we were back on the road.......and "someone" flipped my movie back on. This time, I was rehashing images of family I haven't seen in forever, family that had passed on, family that I had not yet met but know of........
So, when I got home from this show, I decided that I have a people finder right here at my fingertips. Wow! I reconnected with so many people yesterday that I am still swimming in the disbelief pool! Mind you, these weren't old friends forgotten that I was looking fact, I was quite surprised at some of the people that popped up for me in totally weird places.(An example...I had an old flame that popped up when I searched for a cousin---they did not know each other back in the day. These kind of things over and over all day.) These were people that I had a relationship of one sort or another and it had either ended badly or just ended no explanation and then they were out of my life.....not to be thought, for the most part, until yesterday. But they had all been a big chunk of my life.
My point....God took these situations that were sitting and rotting in my heart and made them beautiful. I have been able to talk to people that I thought were long gone....and wounds were healed that I thought would bleed forever. I was able to make ammends to some for the pain I caused them. I met new family. I found pleasant memories where either no memory would show, or bad ones prevailed. Today....I can't find the bad ones! Today....I feel so blessed that He entrusted me with His love enough to send me on this journey....knowing I would find souls longing for Him along the me the courage it took to bring Him to the forefront in these situations.
You see....I have no problem talking about God to anyone! I love Him! I fear Him! I trust Him! He is my everything! But, I have at some points been afraid to speak what I feel to those closest to me for fear that they would turn away...not from me, but from Him! I sometimes talk too much...ok, a lot of the time...and I am always afraid that I will be too pushy and push people away rather than bringing people to my wonderful this time before I typed or spoke, I asked Him for the words needed....what He wanted out there.
He taught me.....He gave me the right words, the right amount of push....all I had to do was stop before I started and ask for His strength and guidance to give that person just what He wanted them to have from me in that moment. I know, you may call me a little crazy.....but for me to say just enough and then quit is huge! He is leading me.....He is loving me.....He is using me! I love Him with no shame in the game at all...........I want to be a light in this dark world and I only want for those around me to see know give Him their love and life! I am soooo thankful He is teaching me to be still-----aka, to shush!

Psalm 92:4-5
"For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for your joy. How great are your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep! "